We may know what the big turn offs are but there are many small things that kill desire. In today’s episode we are discussing invisible turn offs that end up taking sex off the table without you even realizing it.
Join our expert hosts, Dr. Laurie Watson and George Faller, LMFT as they review these ‘microfractures’, signals that you don’t know you’re sending. Stress, feeling hangry, irritability can all signal to your partner that they aren’t important to you. Cell phones, social media and distracted minds dilute connection between partners and quickly eliminate connection.
Our hosts share how familiarity of your partner can sometimes cause rejection. The more predictable you are to one another the less curious you will be. So what can you do? Start to notice your partner, pay attention to them with intentionality. Put your phone DOWN and connect with your love. Spend time giving each other prolonged kisses, longer gazes and more attention. These little actions can lead to big connections, decreasing turn offs and increasing turn ons! Keep it hot, y’all!
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Transcript
George (00:21.546)
Invisible turn offs, the small things that kill desire. Let’s do it.
Laurie Watson, PhD (00:27.98)
Let’s figure it out so that we don’t break our erotic connection with our partner.
George (00:36.29)
Yeah, that’s such a good word. We know about the big turnoffs and you’re getting drunk, falling asleep, whatever, know, these invisible ones, the subtle ones that we might never notice that either cumulate or just hit that maybe disgust button in our partner. So trying to make those explicit, right?
Laurie Watson, PhD (00:52.308)
yeah, exactly. Because we know that there are sort of micro fractures that happen in connection that we’re really sensitive to and that can turn us off. And just becoming aware of them maybe is helpful in terms of how we stay connected with our partner.
George (01:15.587)
Yep.
Laurie Watson, PhD (01:17.036)
Yeah, so like, if maybe our partner does something, we can feel like, you know, I don’t matter to them. Maybe somehow or another our partner is irritable or short with us and it just feels like, okay, I’m alone. And that micro signal, this is the problem with sex, is maybe in the emotional cycle if we’re getting that message.
our nervous system goes on alert, right? And we can’t relax, we can’t come into the moment because we’re like ready for, we’re bracing for something. And if that’s chronic, George, very, very hard to drop into feeling erotic and sexy.
George (02:05.282)
Yeah. And I’m not sure how many it can happen so fast. I think even the person who gets turned off by these isn’t even often aware of it. It’s like, you know, something is not feeling good and we’re on to the next thing.
Laurie Watson, PhD (02:14.902)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (02:20.778)
Yeah, exactly. We don’t know that we’re signals sometimes that are bad. Sometimes even I think our intention is good. I talked to somebody who was saying all these beautiful things, you know, wanted his partner to feel really free and like even, you know, use vibrator, masturbate in front of me, you know, be free and
There was all this beautiful intention, but I could tell that the micro problem was that he hadn’t heard her anxiety first. You know, it was out of order and it wasn’t even, I mean, he truly had a good heart, but it was out of order. so, without hearing his partner, it was like she was blocked and he didn’t even know that he hadn’t intended that. She didn’t even know what hit her.
She was just feeling like I’m a failure. I’m not uninhibited. I’m not what my husband wants. All of this stuff, I could just see it. And it was kind of just this micro moment. If somebody watching had not been able to catch it and help them straighten it out, it would have messed them up, right? And probably did mess them up in many other previous conversations.
George (03:36.014)
Mm-hmm.
George (03:41.518)
Yeah.
George (03:46.83)
Yeah, I love the intentionality that we’re inviting our listeners to just try to slow down the process and try to put words to things that, know, the, the conscious, the unconscious brain, whatever you want to call it is processing 11 million bits of information a second. mean, it is noticing so many things out of those 11 million, only about 40 to 50 are conscious. So that means most of us are operating outside of our awareness. And this is, this is how we become more mindful, right?
Laurie Watson, PhD (04:10.188)
Yeah.
George (04:22.882)
that is sending a signal to you. And if you’re not super aware of it, so you got a good example of that, Lori.
Laurie Watson, PhD (04:26.876)
Exactly. Yeah, like, I think there are ways that we dismiss each other, especially in this modern era, right? Just your partner says something to you and you’re on your phone and you don’t look up or you just kind of half listen. I will say I’m so guilty of that one. I think, you know, I noticed this at work and I noticed this not with my clients, but with my staff.
And I noticed this with my husband that many times they’re starting a story. They think they have my attention, but, they might even have my eyeballs, but my mind is somewhere else. And so then I’m often asking them, wait, could you start that over again? Cause I really wasn’t listening, you know? But I just think that, you know, I need to come up with a better signal, perhaps like either.
George (05:09.005)
Mm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (05:22.634)
when I’m looking at somebody, like I have to let go of whatever it was I was noodling on and really bring my full attention. Because I do think that it’s hurtful over time to like somebody who’s with you, but they’re only half with you. My best friend would say that definitely. I just spent several days with my bestie and she’s like, you know, your phone has replaced bookstores, Lori. Because we used to go into bookstores and I would get absorbed and lost. And she would be like,
wanting to share with me things and ideas that she was thinking as we’re wandering through the bookstore. And I’m like in a book reading, you know, already lost. And she’s like, okay, now you’re doing it again with your phone. And I’m like, my gosh, that’s so true. Just these little micro ways of dismissing and not being attentive. You know, I think in a partnership, send the message, right? That they’re not being heard, you’re not intentional and being present with them.
George (06:14.667)
not import.
George (06:19.807)
Yeah, I think we’re all guilty of this one. I mean, it’s so easy to just want to take out your phone and see what’s happening. you know, you’re doing that at dinner where, you know, this is where you put aside time to be intentional and listen to each other. And, you know, yes, it just kind of pops those levels of engagement.
Laurie Watson, PhD (06:38.196)
Yeah, I think, I mean, my observation of you and Cathy, though, is you do not do phones very much. You’re really good about not putting phones out at dinner, stuff like that.
George (06:48.637)
I think mine would be more of interrupting. You know, she might be saying something and I have something else to say and I just jump in and maybe that’s my male privilege. I’ve just been taught to, you you have someone to say, just say it. But the timing of that, and that’s where the systems help me. Like, you know, who’s the person sharing?
Laurie Watson, PhD (06:52.012)
Mm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (06:58.27)
You
George (07:08.779)
They really are the mission, right? They’re looking for your caregiving system to respond and to understand. like, when you interrupt, I’m introducing my own thoughts, my own ideas. I’m making it about me in that moment. It’s important, but you know, the timing is just wrong. So, you know, that one I’ve been working on because it’s just, it’s not no bad intent, but the impact sucks for the person who doesn’t get to finish their thoughts. And, know, then they’re being forced onto another conversation and, you know, that, that can’t feel great.
Laurie Watson, PhD (07:19.201)
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (07:23.861)
Right.
Laurie Watson, PhD (07:32.223)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (07:37.992)
Exactly. And we’re both telling on ourselves here, which reminds us, right, of what we really want to create with our partners is that sense of connection and we don’t want to shut them down. And so it’s good to become aware of these things because they’re correctable. I also think, you know, stress when you’re stressed out all the time, kind of the tone that can come with that or
tension from work that you bring home. I think sometimes people, it gets a little more toxic, right? That when their partner asks them something, they’re like, or they roll their eyes. I mean, that sort of tension in the emotional cycle, oof, that can be really dysregulating to the partner. You know, it just kills that sense of safety.
George (08:35.873)
or being hangry. That’s one you know I have learned. It was pretty fun. We went and saw my younger son and visited him at college. We’d gone on some kind of walk, but he was hangry. He acted just like me. Kathy was laughing. She’s like, yeah, I guess there’s something to this. Look at him. He’s just kind of fun.
Laurie Watson, PhD (08:38.196)
angry.
Laurie Watson, PhD (08:50.828)
Mm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (08:56.486)
no.
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:04.894)
Yeah, yeah, I have a child who gets angry too. And it’s just like,
George (09:09.857)
But when you see someone else do it, like, feels like so immature. But when you’re in it yourself, it feels so real.
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:16.12)
I know, it feels so real. I know. My sort of hangry moment is when I get too hot, like in the summertime. I used to come home to, when my husband and I were first married and we had a western window in Southern California and the whole apartment would be super hot. So I would leave work, which was air conditioned, and I’d be all happy like, honey, can hardly wait to see you.
I get home and I was just massively angry and he’s like, what happened? Then we’d get in the car to go to dinner. The air condition came on and I’d be happy again. We finally figured out, know, Laurie’s got to stay in air conditioning in the summer.
George (09:55.982)
I think most of time our partners are graceful and understand it, but what about those times when they actually have something they want to share and that my hangriness is now getting in the way, right? It’s making it about my need instead of being able to focus on my partner’s need. So these are these invisible turnoffs that accumulate, right? Breaks, they great language, right? They’re just bad timing, but it tells the other person,
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:59.82)
Mm-hmm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (10:13.236)
Yeah, yeah. These are the breaks. These are the little.
George (10:22.881)
You know, your needs are not actually going to be addressed here.
Laurie Watson, PhD (10:26.442)
Yeah, exactly. Also, I want to think about like the micro rejection. So maybe when our partner reaches for us physically and we pull away from that touch, maybe it’s just like, I’m cooking and it’s like, don’t bug me right now. you know, maybe it’s like my partner is distracted with work and I want to hug and…
they’re not ready for that hug and so they freeze or they act disinterested or they’re tense. I mean, I think all of us when we touch our partner can kind of instantly sense tension, you know, and when we’re waiting for melt and we get tense, you know, instead that that is not a good feeling. That really feels rejecting.
George (11:16.743)
And the other person might not be aware they’re even doing it, right? They’re caught up in something else. But that these are the little things that I do think accumulate. We talk a lot about this. People speak different languages, right? If your language is words and conversation, your partner’s language is touch and you haven’t had a lot of conversations, that’s starting to accumulate on your end. Your partner comes in and tries to connect the way they know how to connect and boom, here goes the negative cycle.
Laurie Watson, PhD (11:21.664)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (11:42.322)
Not good. Not good. Right. And I think, you know, we possibly could repair that by just narrating what’s happening inside of. So it’s like, OK, sorry about that. You know, I am tense. I do want to connect. Let’s let’s do that a little bit later. Or I love it when you touch me. But I was just preoccupied. My mind was busy. think letting people in on what’s happening mitigates some of the rejection.
you know, or the disconnect.
Okay, let’s come back and think about some more.
Laurie Watson, PhD (12:24.064)
You know, as we think about micro breaks in connection and how they impact our sexual connection, one of the things too is like, how about when we start to pull back? You know, as a sexual pursuer, sometimes, you know, I can be anxious or I can feel resentful or, you know, worried about my partner not initiating as much.
And so inside, know, maybe kind of pull back a little bit about that. And I’m thinking in my head, well, you don’t ever start it. You don’t ever, you don’t appreciate that I’m the one putting myself out here and, you know, hoping not to get rejected, you know, and that it’s vulnerable for me to do this. And all of that internal resentment can kind of shut us down. And I think our partner can sense it.
George (13:13.997)
Mm-hmm.
George (13:20.577)
Yeah, I really like the intentionality of.
this awareness about micro, right? Because when it’s happening, it doesn’t seem like it’s worth saying anything about it. It’s just so quick, it’s annoying, and it’s just like we’re on to what we’re doing, and we miss all these opportunities to communicate something that really is important feedback. We think it’s no big deal. My partner interrupted me. My partner was not listening. All these things we’re talking about, and we just let these things go, but I think you’re getting more to the heart of it. They accumulate.
And then as they start to accumulate, they start to lead to resentment and resentment leads to negative tapes playing. Before you know it, this little micro move goes really deep.
Laurie Watson, PhD (14:06.102)
Exactly, exactly.
George (14:11.603)
trying to get couples to say, listen, how do we even talk about, how do we communicate that signal that’s saying, maybe you’re not aware you just did that, but when you do, like, I always appreciate what my wife says, even though I hate it because it’s criticism, right? It does want to set off my defenses. I do remind myself that it’s, you know, it’s a brave thing to do to give feedback. keep, you know, this podcast is all about giving feedback.
Laurie Watson, PhD (14:29.738)
No.
George (14:38.357)
And if you’re, if you’re going to want feedback, you got to take feedback. That’s sometimes going to be critical because you’re not aware of things that you’re doing. And it is a gift when you get feedback, if you can train yourself to be open to it.
Laurie Watson, PhD (14:51.222)
That’s true. That’s true. And if you’re the giver of those messages and you’re feeling resentment, know, just kind of naming it as a pot in a positive way, like, you know, I really am needing some extra reassurance here that you want me, you know, or that you are still choosing me. You know, I need that.
George (15:16.997)
I love that we’re out at dinner and spending time together. And I know I like to check the phone too, but I’m really hoping, you know, right now it’s just, we could focus on me and you, right? it’s, mean, we certainly could have a soft startup because I really fully believe most partners not aware, even aware they’re doing it.
Laurie Watson, PhD (15:17.26)
You know that?
Laurie Watson, PhD (15:39.68)
Yep, yep. And for the record, my husband and I, we often go out to breakfast, not dinner as much, but we leave our phones in the car.
George (15:50.325)
Nice.
Laurie Watson, PhD (15:50.634)
Because it’s so tempting, know, it’s like there’s something that you got to look at. You got to understand from Google to help you understand something in a conversation. you pick up the phone, well, let’s ask Google. And then suddenly you’re grabbed by emails and texts and you’re no longer there. It’s not even like, it’s not that you’re bored. just, the phones are very powerful. yeah. We did.
George (16:13.099)
Yeah. But you’ve put up a boundary around that. You’ve recognized this micro, you know, move that triggers both of you and being able to put a simple little boundary that says, for half hour, which is leaving in a car, the world’s still going to be waiting for us when we come back, but we’re prioritizing our relationship and each other. And it’s easier to concentrate when you don’t have a phone.
Laurie Watson, PhD (16:22.731)
Right.
Laurie Watson, PhD (16:27.68)
Yeah. Yep.
Laurie Watson, PhD (16:36.94)
Exactly, exactly. I also think, you know, sometimes familiarity gets in the way. You know, we love our partners so much, but we don’t see them as a treasure. We don’t cherish them. So we forget about giving them compliments. don’t bring in the novelty into our sex life that we might maybe or we did in the beginning. And everything is so predictable that it kind of becomes
Blah. I mean, I think sex takes work. was talking to somebody this week saying, you know, it’s so hard to be on the dating apps. I’m like, yep, it is. And getting started in relationship takes work. And maintaining relationship that’s alive takes work. you know, all of this. I have said this more than once, but, you know, if couples would take…
a tenth of the energy that sometimes a partner would put into an affair and spending on each other like rent a hotel room, buy the lingerie, go out to dinner, whatever it is that’s sexy, there probably wouldn’t be an affair.
You know, that sense of being cherished and treasured and all of that make the difference.
George (18:01.613)
That can be invisible because you’re just comfortable and not being intentional and just going through the motions of life that you often don’t recognize that that could be a trigger for your partner who would like.
I think one partner tends to be the one who wants to introduce more different things. And, you know, when the other partner never does, or rarely does, it starts to play those tapes, you know? And a lot of times it’s invisible. You go into the bedroom hoping for something that doesn’t happen, and then you’re getting disappointed. And it’s all this internal monologue that’s happening. It’s not something that you’re expressing.
Laurie Watson, PhD (18:22.89)
Mm-hmm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (18:30.252)
sure.
Laurie Watson, PhD (18:35.532)
Hmm.
George (18:42.817)
You’re disappointed and resentful, but you’re not communicating anything. And here’s your partner thinking, all right, we’re doing what we always do. You should be happy while you’re not happy. And neither one of them are talking about
Laurie Watson, PhD (18:52.052)
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I mean, I think even in familiar relationships, you know, maybe we need to think about articulating that, making it known and being intentional about surprising our partner, getting curious.
George (19:12.855)
That’s why both of us also big fans are going away because it kind of forces a new environment. It forces something that’s a new bedroom, a new something that just makes it a little bit easier for people to step out of the routine. And routine is good the majority of the time, but just kind of finding ways of meeting your partner new. You know, I think it’s just an important part of that excitement.
Laurie Watson, PhD (19:16.48)
yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (19:37.768)
Yep, exactly. We’re going away for the holidays and my girlfriend said, why don’t you just like wear your new sweat outfits? I have these new outfits that are, for the record, very fashionable these days, George, but they’re very hiding. And I was like, I don’t know, should I like just wear sweats with all? Would that be good on a weekend away? I don’t know. Might be comfortable. What?
George (19:51.564)
Nice.
George (20:00.923)
I think both would be nice, nice, cool dressing up.
Laurie Watson, PhD (20:06.73)
a little dressing up and a little comfortable. My husband does say if you’re comfortable, that’s a good thing. So he’s good about that. And maybe just as we think about this altogether, like how can we do some maybe some micro turn ons too that we become intentional about, you know, rather than being so comfortable, maybe it’s, I don’t know.
putting on lipstick before you meet your partner. I guess you wouldn’t do that, George.
George (20:42.689)
Or you could put on a lipstick and say, can you take this off for me?
Laurie Watson, PhD (20:45.836)
Oh, there you go. The six second kiss, right? That’s supposed to be, I think that’s Gottman that says every day couples should kiss for at least six seconds, not just a pack.
George (21:00.033)
I like the way that Kathy puts on a chapstick before bed so that I could get some chapstick. I sit there and wait.
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:03.692)
you
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:08.78)
You wait for your chapstick. my lips are getting dry.
George (21:10.515)
I wave my chopstick, come on, put it on already. That lips again, try. But is it is that intentionality around. down your phone, but what do you replace putting down your phone with? You know, do you call your partner’s name? Do you use language that is more affirming and more positive? I do think trying to fill that tank.
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:29.067)
Yeah.
George (21:37.825)
We often call those attachment rituals doing things that remind each of you of how important the emotional bond is between the two of you. Writing that letter, you know, the kiss goodbye, leaving a Hershey’s kiss in your partner’s bag. You these just little things that are just reminders that, I’m thinking about you, you’re mad at me.
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:44.017)
Mm. Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:53.472)
Yeah
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:58.666)
Right. Just saying I’m here, I’m with you. I want to hear what you have to say. Right. Eye contact with with the intention of actually being present. You know, I love the rituals of greetings like you mentioned. So many couples I talk to don’t do that. They don’t kiss goodbye. They don’t kiss hello. They don’t kiss good night. Hug good night. It could be so that to me feels like a lonely way to live.
George (22:29.611)
Yeah. And those can also be those micro misses. When you never get it, your body knows it doesn’t get it. And even though you might not be aware of it, it’s leading to that distance. And when you just say good night or good morning, like how do you start and end your day? think there’s symbolically nothing really more important than that.
Laurie Watson, PhD (22:34.955)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (22:50.346)
Yeah, I agree. I think too with the holidays coming up and I think about parties that you go to as a couple, you know, and you are completely in different spaces, maybe talking to different friends, not necessarily talking together as a couple, but like a wink across the room. I think that is really sexy. You know, it’s just like, I see you, you’re mine, love you. I think that’s a sexy thing to do.
George (23:14.69)
Check it in. Do you need a little help? You doing good?
Laurie Watson, PhD (23:18.444)
You stuck with this boring person. need to rescue you? Stuck with the neighbors.
George (23:29.087)
Signs that we matter, signs that we matter or don’t matter. You know, our brain is constantly scanning for that.
Laurie Watson, PhD (23:29.876)
My neighbors are fun.
George (23:37.579)
And it’s keeping score or that stuff. So let’s, let’s be a little bit more explicit and talking to our partner about it. Tell them when they’re getting it right and gently nudge them instead of keeping these things to yourself. Cause a lot of times this stuff moves so fast. We’re not aware of it, but couples that can embrace the attunement and celebrate it and talk about the misattunement that’s inevitable in all relationships, which is, you know, increase in our levels of engagement.
Laurie Watson, PhD (23:37.836)
So true.
Laurie Watson, PhD (23:52.586)
Right, we got it.
Laurie Watson, PhD (24:02.804)
Right, asking for what we need, right? That’s the most vulnerable thing and it lets our partner into our brain and what’s going on for us and it’s so much better than storing a presentment or letting it come out in little micro breaks. it isn’t, desire is not lost in just tiny, you know, in a single moment, it’s really these tiny moments.
George (24:26.667)
And if your partner’s willing to give you feedback, really try to train yourself. It probably is going to hurt the timing of it. There’s a lot of times we’re not even aware we’re doing these things, but it’s a brave thing to do for our partner to let us into that world. And if we could actually embrace that information, we will become better partners.
Laurie Watson, PhD (24:46.124)
Thanks for listening.
George (24:47.992)
Keep it hot y’all.
