In today’s episode, we discuss reinforcing positive cycles. There is a lot of talk about disconnection and negative cycles but what about when things are going well? Join hosts, Laurie and George to learn how to reinforce when it’s going well to build out more positive interactions. A building block of attachment is adoration, to be looked at by a caretaker with sunshine in their eyes. This signals, you are good and you matter to me. This need never goes away and it is very important in adult intimate relationships.
In sex, couples often make eye contact and signal this tenderness with their gaze. This episode will give you language and real life examples of how to make positive connections more explicit and reinforce that connection. Learn how to embrace the vulnerability around when things are going well and share it with the one you love!
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Transcript
Laurie Watson, PhD (01:02.911)
Okay, let’s talk about positive cycles and how to reinforce it when we’re doing good and so that we can feel that change and want to go again with it.
George (01:18.027)
Love the positive.
Laurie Watson, PhD (01:20.225)
Love the positive. Okay, when we’re having great sex, how do we keep it going?
George (01:27.514)
Great conversations, right? I love couples who develop a culture of intentionality around longings and desires and needs and wants. mean, this is why we’re here, right? I mean, we can so often get caught on defense and negative cycles and protecting ourselves that it suffocates our life force. You you’ve done all this work to understand negative cycles. The whole point is to unleash
Laurie Watson, PhD (01:41.579)
Right.
Laurie Watson, PhD (01:49.739)
Mmm.
George (01:54.418)
more of this culture of longings and, you know, being able to express that more directly. Like I want to be seen. I want to be known. I want to be desired. I want connection, safety, pleasure, enjoyment, reassurance. I mean, there’s so many cool things out there that we need. And, know, my experience, we, don’t talk about these things. We like it when we get it, but we don’t really name it. And positive cycles are really about making these things explicit.
Laurie Watson, PhD (02:11.37)
Mm-hmm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (02:21.677)
So when we’re feeling connected to our partner, sexually or emotionally, definitely want to say that out loud, right? I’m feeling so connected to you. That was awesome sex last night. You’re so hot. You know, I’m feeling this between us. This is how I want to live. This is what makes life worth living. All those kinds of reinforcement is so helpful.
George (02:31.159)
Yeah.
George (02:49.262)
Yeah, if you think about the amount of words we have when we feel disconnected, the amount of words we have when we’re actually feeling connected. Like I know myself, I’m feeling connected. It’s like this warm, just kind of grounded, peaceful feeling, but I don’t really talk about it. I’m sure my wife senses it, but what did it make a difference if you’re creating a culture to actually say, you know what? I feel so lucky to be with you.
Laurie Watson, PhD (03:08.236)
Right.
Laurie Watson, PhD (03:14.753)
Yeah. Yeah.
George (03:15.436)
Like I know you understand me. know you, you know, I’m mad at you. I know that, you know, if anything happens, you got my back. That, you know, when I get excited, you’re the person I want to turn towards. Like when we think about the importance of longings and needs being met, right? I mean,
Laurie Watson, PhD (03:33.557)
Mmm.
George (03:34.388)
how we say hello to our partner starts to change, how we say goodbye to our partner starts to change. mean, with these things we take for granted, I think we just, I know I can do a better job of just kind of making that a little bit more explicit.
Laurie Watson, PhD (03:37.517)
Mm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (03:46.881)
Mm, so true. I mean, it’s expressing appreciation for what our partner is doing, for how we’re feeling, letting that out, letting that vulnerability of like, I feel connected, which it actually is vulnerable to say that, especially as a pursuer, because we worry that then our partner will rest on their laurels and they won’t keep trying harder.
George (04:07.147)
Absolutely.
Laurie Watson, PhD (04:16.043)
to make us happier sexually.
George (04:21.678)
That’s the word draw me saying, damn, you want to get what they want. Somehow the worry comes right back into it. It’s a lot of truth to what you’re
Laurie Watson, PhD (04:26.718)
Yeah, yeah, exactly. But don’t you feel that sexually, right? Like to say this was awesome. Isn’t there a tiny little fear inside the pursuer part that goes…
George (04:37.71)
Yeah. mean, how, how it’s like, you just have sex. It’s so easy for your brain to go on. When’s the next time it’s going to happen? like how do you stop that? We, we give a lot of practice. know neurons that fire together, wire together. That’s what muscle memory is. I mean, if you give your brain a ton of practice, feeding fears and worries, it’s going to keep wanting to look at that. Like that’s why this is important. Positive cycles to stretch your brain and create those new neural pathways that say, a second.
Laurie Watson, PhD (04:44.66)
Exactly, exactly.
George (05:06.4)
I finally got what I wanted. Yes, there’s some fears there. What could happen next? But how do I grow that part of me? What is it like to get what I want? And how do I start finding my words for that instead of just like having this good feeling and just not explaining it? And I think I know this as a therapist. I really didn’t know what to do when couples were in good places. I’m so used to practicing with negative cycles. I didn’t have a lot of reps with positive cycles. know, couples really helped me get better.
at understanding needs being met. I’m always when I’m training therapists, I’m like, this is the whole damn point. Unmet needs create protective negative cycles. Meeting those needs is what makes positive cycles. So how about we get better at not just waiting until those needs are being met, but talking about it throughout the whole process.
Laurie Watson, PhD (05:55.901)
Exactly. Exactly. And when we risk talking about it and validating our partner, that vulnerability increases the positive cycle.
George (06:14.987)
Yeah. I love that you’re naming that. For a lot of couples, this sounds fun, especially a lot of withdrawals who like positivity, but there’s something really risky about naming yourself when needs are being met and sharing that to your partner because you probably don’t have a lot of practice doing that. you know, this is where our guards are down. We’re the most open. This is where we can really get hurt too. So just to be ready for…
Because we don’t want to get hurt, a lot of us just play it safe and we just don’t name these places. So yeah, I like that you’re really putting words to the riskiness that’s in positivity.
Laurie Watson, PhD (06:48.065)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (06:55.145)
Exactly. But we name the good moments and they grow. Right. I mean, that is that is focusing on what’s what’s happening, what’s how it’s going right. We’re catching our partner and ourselves when we’re doing it right. We say it out loud. And there’s really there’s some good research on saying things out loud, drawing attention to positive cycles.
George (06:59.725)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (07:25.297)
actually is like our brain changes and starts to look for the path to do it well. You know, it’s
George (07:33.967)
Yeah, I mean, that’s so much of the research gratitude, right? If there’s something so important about seeing something working, appreciating it, naming it, celebrating it, you you get to expand it when you can grab your partner’s hands and say, look, we’re crushing it. We’re doing so I love as a therapist, I’m like, how are things going? They’re like, good.
Laurie Watson, PhD (07:50.73)
Exactly.
George (07:55.245)
And I’m like, okay, well, let’s do good. Let’s spend the session in good, all right? Let’s try to understand what it is. And it’s so hard to do because we don’t live in a culture that really puts a lot of words to good.
Laurie Watson, PhD (07:56.511)
Ooh.
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (08:06.517)
Right, exactly. Exactly. And I think we don’t know what to do if we’re, I was watching or reading an EFT thread on Facebook when somebody says we’re doing good. And a lot of it was how do we turn it to the pain point of what’s not happening? And certainly some people are in denial, but when you work with people for a while and they’re saying it’s going good, you want to, you want to.
emphasize that, right? So that it keeps going, seeing that, you know, their moments of care for each other have turned into a sense that they can count on each other.
George (08:46.7)
Yeah, I think it’s a, know I focus too much on pain as the doorway into good. And that’s really important. Like in our fears and insecurities that people can love us, we need love there. And that transforms the disconnection and shame into connection. And as a proven track record of doing that, but that’s not the only way I think about babies and attachment. yes,
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:05.249)
Mm-hmm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:10.51)
my god, let’s talk about that.
George (09:12.46)
Yeah, but when they’re scared, need reassurance. That’s important. But babies also just need to see somebody enjoying them, lighting up, smiling. Like they need that probably more. think Alan Shaw talks a lot that babies need positive affect more than they’ll actually just need reassurance for their negative affect. And I guess that’s what trying to emphasize here. How do we do more like babies and name this positive?
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:30.679)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:36.055)
since I’m all into babies. You know, it is, they call it sunshine, like self-esteem sunshine, just to gaze at your child. The crook of your elbow to your eyes is the ideal distance for infants to receive the love that comes from the eyes of the mother or the father or the grandparent. And it’s like it actually shakes.
shapes their brain saying, are good. They grow up with more self-esteem when they’re just looked at with adoration, with a person that, you know, they matter to that person. They’re meaningful to that person. And that gaze is amazing. And I think, like, this is one of the beautiful things about making love as humans, right? We’re often looking at each other face to face when we make love with kind of eyes that are soft and full of love.
And it’s a place that we receive not just pleasure, but also affirmation of who we are. That’s why having sex actually helps bond a couple.
George (10:49.791)
I, so trying to break down the difference between receiving love and fear and threat versus what you’re talking about, which is not just pleasure, but it’s that cherishment that you’re special. You matter. Like that, that’s the good stuff. That’s the stuff we need to grow. That’s, that’s, that’s the power of love.
Laurie Watson, PhD (11:10.081)
That’s the good stuff. Right. Yeah, absolutely. And we want to have more of those experiences of success, right, where like the new cycle locks in. That’s what we really want, is we want the new cycle to lock in by noticing it and reinforcing it with, you know, okay, we’re aware that we’re doing good. How do we keep this going? We keep it going by, you know,
Saying out loud, here we are. We’re safe with each other. This to me was really beautiful. I heard a couple this week talk about it. And she was saying, you know, I never ever worry about you leaving me. I know you’re always going to be there for me. Like she was so certain. he is that, you know, he’s faithful. He loves her.
And she was so certain of it. It was really an incredible, beautiful moment of her vulnerability of saying, I know it’s gonna last. And she also added to it, and I’m never gonna leave you, ever, ever. Just saying those things out loud, that security that is built when they say that.
George (12:36.79)
And I would want her to put words to what does it feel like for her to say that, to have that trust, to have that confidence, to have that sense of peace, to have that sense of, you know, deserving it. And we talk a lot about what it’s like to be unlovable. What does it feel like to be lovable?
Laurie Watson, PhD (12:49.666)
Mm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (12:53.613)
Mmm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (12:59.077)
I know, I know, I know this couple is one of the most loving couples I’ve ever worked with. I mean, she talks about that level, that lovable this like she says, you know, I love his touch. He’ll touch me for a long time when we make love. And I just like feel it. And I feel his love for me.
I have no body image worries. It’s like he loves to touch me all over and I just love that. just soak it up. I’m like, wow, y’all, y’all go. You’re so connected. know, so I mean, she, she takes it in and she says it and I, actually asked her that I said, you know, does it feel vulnerable? And she’s like, no, it does. I mean, it, I, she’s like, I recognize that it is vulnerable to say it, but
It doesn’t feel vulnerable to me like I’m taking a risk because I’m certain. I’m so certain. That’s a beautiful place to be in.
George (14:01.313)
Yeah, it is. Well, let’s come back and see if we can find more words for this place.
George (14:13.227)
So it’s fun. It’s fun to just settle into this place where we have certainty, we have confidence, right? I we’re just trying to, I’m trying to push myself to say, right, well, let’s hang out here and have people learn to speak about themselves and their partner from this place. Just like we have negative cycles of protection, what a positive cycles of responsiveness look like, and how do we build more of that into our everyday lives?
Laurie Watson, PhD (14:19.969)
Mm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (14:30.26)
Mm-hmm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (14:40.717)
I love it. I think that we can ritualize connection and we’ve talked about this before just with, you know, the daily check-ins, the bedtime ritual, like when my husband brings me a glass of water or, you know, kind of deliberate moments of affection that become the habit rather than the exception.
George (15:04.525)
Yeah.
George (15:09.783)
Well, let’s try to maybe we could be Joey and Maria. We could try to we’ve we’ve we’ve doing this for a while. We have some good habits. We understand our negative cycle. We both can ask for help when I feel like I’m failing. You feel like you’re being emotionally and we could flip rolls and you know, so we because there’s been responsive, there’s been ability to repair, right? We know cycles always come back, but we’re much more confident that we can repair.
Laurie Watson, PhD (15:13.343)
Okay.
Laurie Watson, PhD (15:24.363)
Mm-hmm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (15:33.429)
Yeah.
George (15:38.006)
So we’re much more at ease and comfortable. And I guess I would want to see if we could tell each other not only how we feel affirm the other person, but how we feel about ourselves with the other person.
Laurie Watson, PhD (15:38.101)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (15:53.59)
Hmm.
George (15:53.902)
It’s just like, loved your description of you and your grandchild. You’re doing it without words. I’m trying to find words for that place. But that icon is saying like, you matter so much. I don’t care about the rest of the world in this moment. I just want to be with you. And like when those eyes receive that, just, feels so that engagements like I, I matter. I’m important. Like
Laurie Watson, PhD (15:57.677)
Mm.
George (16:17.257)
I’m going to make a little weird smile here and it’s going to do something to my grandmother, right? Because she’s so attuned to what I’m doing. I mean, it is a flow state, right? It’s when people get into this time, it’s mindfulness, it’s some cool stuff.
Laurie Watson, PhD (16:22.565)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (16:31.181)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, it is. Beautiful. So we want to do that in a role play with each other, like, but use words to explain it. Yeah. Yeah.
George (16:44.757)
Yeah, we’ve never done this before, so forgive us if it’s awkward. We don’t know what the hell we’re doing, but really just trying to.
Laurie Watson, PhD (16:50.381)
you
Laurie Watson, PhD (16:54.229)
I want to make sure Joey tells me I’m getting bad just for the record.
George (16:59.533)
That’s easy.
Laurie Watson, PhD (17:02.413)
Okay.
George (17:04.095)
Easy. Well, let’s start off. I’m not ready for bed right away. My little drawer is so…
Laurie Watson, PhD (17:08.301)
Need a little emotional warm up. Okay.
George (17:14.305)
So yeah, Maria, I’m just.
George (17:19.275)
guess I like keeping things light and positive, but this feels a little bit different to try to name what’s working. And I guess I just want to let you know, just feel more alive. I feel more engaged. just
Laurie Watson, PhD (17:38.549)
Mm.
George (17:39.842)
have more energy, I guess I didn’t realize how much was tied up and being vigilant and protecting myself and, you know, just that we can repair and the confidence I have in that it’s like, I just feel like I can charge forward. I guess that’s the feeling. It’s like this feeling of engagement. I’ve never really had so consistency consistently before.
Laurie Watson, PhD (17:59.373)
Hmm, I love hearing that. That is so good to hear. And I think I experienced that with you, right? More life coming from you, more freedom. It feels like, you know, I feel more secure, like you’re going to be happy with me. I also feel that energy between us. Like, I think for me, it gives me
the ability to focus more on whatever I’m doing. mean, ironically, not just on you, but just on whatever I’m doing because I know that I don’t have to spend any energy worrying about what’s going on between us.
George (18:40.993)
Yeah, it’s cool. I we’ll both, guess, have more energy that we didn’t realize was just being tied up in things. So I guess in that energy, if I lean into that, it’s like I’m more hopeful. Like I’m more, I find myself thinking about what could be, what could we could do right? Like, is it gonna be fun instead of thinking about what I could be doing wrong? It’s a pretty big shift.
Laurie Watson, PhD (18:44.716)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (18:48.096)
Exactly.
Laurie Watson, PhD (19:02.687)
Yeah. that’s good. That’s good, honey. I like that you feel that hope and that you’re not spinning in any kind of what have you done now, you know? And I think I feel the freedom for me. It’s it’s freedom. Like, I’m sure that sometimes when I want to bitch about my day, even I can
I can be a little cranky and you don’t personalize it anymore. It’s like you receive me and are interested in me and that’s life changing for me to have your interest in my daily world. You know, whether it’s about my girlfriends or the kids or work or whatever I’m doing, it just, it feels really freeing.
George (19:57.368)
Yeah, I like being interested. I like not knowing and kind of wait and see what happens. And it’s like a good story. And I like that I can be curious. I find myself lighter and…
Laurie Watson, PhD (20:07.309)
Nice.
George (20:15.883)
wanting to be playful and again, instead of dreading these conversations, I find myself looking forward to them. Actually, like sometimes when we’re in a rush and we don’t get the chance to do it, I feel like, we didn’t get a chance to talk.
Laurie Watson, PhD (20:30.325)
Yeah, nice. that makes me happy. Just hearing you say that right now makes me feel happy. Because sometimes I’ve thought you weren’t as interested in my daily life. it’s really I feel that like you’re waiting for the story. Like, what’s the next move? What’s happening in me? And that feels so good. And I
I think this is such a sweet season between us.
George (20:56.513)
Yeah. And I feel that from you in the bedroom. feel that that openness that it doesn’t feel as much like you’re just doing this for me to make me happy. I can really feel you present and like that feels amazing to me. It’s like.
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:10.379)
Yeah. Yeah, I feel like I’ve grown here a lot. I feel like your reassurance has helped me a lot to grow, to feel more uninhibited. You know, I’m noticing more just in my daily life, like when I have sparks of kind of desire and I’m getting a little more risky.
George (21:38.892)
Yeah, that’s fine.
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:40.197)
of bringing that to you and I think your reassurance, right, that I’m good in bed has made the difference. That has made the difference because I think in the past, like I was always waiting to make you happy and it’s like just hearing that, I can’t hear that enough, you know, and cause I, and I know it wasn’t what you were saying. You were talking about the need for me to come forward, but I kept hearing I was failing and
Now I’m hearing I’m doing well and it’s like, there’s no pressure, you know?
George (22:14.765)
Yeah, and I realize I’m finding myself.
kind of excited to explore myself sexually. I’ve been so focused on you. Like I don’t really, don’t know myself as well. So it feels like a discovery. I feel the freedom in that place to say, know, why do I like this? Maybe not that. I don’t know. It just feels like there’s more room for us now sexually. I’m more curious.
Laurie Watson, PhD (22:24.685)
Hmm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (22:41.163)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (22:44.685)
And Joey, it has made a big difference to me to hear you do that sorting process out loud. Like that you think about it too. just actually you talking about your inner world sexually is kind of exciting to me sexually. It’s like those things in the past used to feel like I would hear the request, but I wouldn’t hear your own inner world about it. And
I don’t know, there’s something about it. There’s just like this little flip in it that has made it where it’s interesting to me to hear how you think about things. I’ve seen that things don’t turn you on, whereas in the past I used to tell myself the breeze would turn them on. And that you have preferences and blocks and all that kind of stuff. It’s really good.
to hear all of that. just feel like your vulnerability in sharing with me your sexual mind has made a huge difference to me too.
George (23:47.862)
I’m laughing because it feels like my sexuality is more nuanced. Like it became this like cooking cutter. Yeah, I just want to get laid. And it was not really as expanded as we’re doing now. And that’s what I feel like there’s less pressure too for me. It’s like, we’re just kind of having fun and whatever happens, we’re going to make sense of it. I have confidence in that. And I just, that less pressure and just more space to just…
explore and discover it’s just so cool.
Laurie Watson, PhD (24:19.905)
Yeah, and I just, I’m thinking about the other night, you know, it wasn’t our best sex encounter ever, but I mean, I don’t know, it was fun. And I think in the past that might’ve like caused anxiety, like what’s happening? my God, you know, is this gonna be a pattern? And it was like, we just rolled with it and then we rolled over, went to sleep in each other’s arms and it was good.
You know, I felt safe that it, you I didn’t have to worry about my performance and you were still gonna be happy.
George (24:59.101)
Absolutely. I just, I find myself much more grounded, much more flexible, much more just able to, to stay in the present moment. It’s just like, this is where I want to be. I’m lucky to have you. I’m just so full of gratitude and yeah, I just thank you.
Laurie Watson, PhD (25:12.449)
Yeah. Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (25:20.567)
And I’m grateful for you too. I feel that same thing. We’re lucky to have each other.
George (25:30.849)
Not
Laurie Watson, PhD (25:31.981)
Not bad.
Okay, George, back to George and Laurie. So I, you know, I think that that would make couples having that conversation, like that increases their awareness, right? And it increases their sense of connection. It’s a beautiful conversation.
George (25:55.062)
Yeah.
And you don’t have to wait until 30 sessions of therapy to get there. I mean, we all have moments of this and we’re just saying expand those moments. Try to put words into when it’s working. You know, let each other know this is not chance. There are things both of you are doing that’s making this moment feel safe and special and you feel important and you can get you can feel your partner’s engagement. Literally, we are part of something bigger than our separate selves. So like trying to put words to that. To me, it’s I always
Laurie Watson, PhD (26:23.596)
you
George (26:26.371)
I’m feeling this culture of connection. Like now we know that lungs is what’s driving, it’s the engine driving all this stuff. Like let’s find moments during the day to just say hi to that.
Laurie Watson, PhD (26:30.178)
Right.
Laurie Watson, PhD (26:39.557)
Exactly. We strengthen the positive cycle that way. We name the positive cycle. It builds our confidence as a couple. And we’re saying this is our safe pattern, right? This is who we are. And it locks in.
George (26:55.105)
this is who we are. That’s nice.
Laurie Watson, PhD (26:59.678)
Thanks for listening.
George (27:01.537)
Let’s keep it positive, baby.
