In today’s episode, we discuss freedom in your sex life. Three simple questions to ask of each other: What freedom do you need to explore? What do you need freedom from and where do you need the freedom to say no?
Join hosts, George and Laurie in this explorative conversation and learn about what freedom means and looks like to you. These questions pose a good opportunity to explore your sexual blueprint, cultural or societal expectations imprinted on you and how to advocate for your needs. Sit down and listen to this episode with your partner and ask these questions! Keep it hot y’all!
Transcript
George (00:01.358)
Freedom in questions, we’ll call it.
Laurie Watson, PhD (00:05.612)
So George, I gotta ask you three simple questions to help you guys get freer in bed. What does it sound like? Okay, let’s get these questions going. They’re not about performance, but they’re about three ways to feel free.
George (00:13.56)
Bring it on, baby.
George (00:26.574)
I always like a simple number.
Laurie Watson, PhD (00:28.968)
three is such a good number. Three is your favorite number, right? I knew that. Nice, nice. So this is an article, right, by Shan Boudron. Okay, and where did we find this article?
George (00:43.394)
Mm-hmm.
George (01:12.183)
Hmm.
George (01:17.056)
Hmm, nice. Yeah, that’s that whole exploration, novelty, like just sometimes to pause a second. I love the word freedom. It’s maybe what attracted me to these questions, right? The freedom to explore with your partner. I mean, you could circle back. You don’t know your partner just because you might have asked these questions 20 years ago. Doesn’t mean these answers don’t change, right? We got it. We never can stop asking the questions that are really about who are you?
Laurie Watson, PhD (01:45.792)
Yeah. Yeah.
George (01:46.294)
what turns you on.
Laurie Watson, PhD (01:48.232)
And we grow and we change. And if we’ve been in a long-term monogamous relationship, we might have ideas that we’ve come up with or heard about or just developed. Maybe we’ve grown. And I think that’s one of the reasons people in long-term relationships don’t talk about things, because they’re fearful that their partner would think it’s criticism. Like, we’re not enough. What we’re doing is bad. There’s something wrong with what we keep doing.
they don’t bring up these ideas that are really might be helpful to bring more novelty. you know, I was reading Gerrit Bernbaum, who is the premier sexual attachment researcher in Israel. She recently published something.
George (02:35.526)
I mean I really like her too but you are like take it to the next level you are the number one groupie for her which is pretty awesome
Laurie Watson, PhD (02:44.084)
I’m her fangirl for sure. And I try to read everything she’s written. And it’s so comprehensive. So anyone interested in sexuality, she is a go-to resource. And she also writes on psychology today. And she does a ton of stuff. But recently, she published that novelty is actually important to keep the sexual bond alive. And what she said is that it isn’t simply about vibrators and role play.
Laurie Watson, PhD (03:43.87)
bring ourselves in a new way. And I think this freedom to desire and explore is the same thing, but it has to come in a context, right, of our relationship having the freedom to explore and have novelty together.
George (04:02.466)
We talked about this in a different podcast. Like you marry the same person multiple times over a relationship. And this is key to that, being able to find the freedom to keep asking questions. I know a lot of men I work with, you when they’re young and filled with testosterone and maybe sex is more physical and focus on like aerobic, a sting activity, how long you don’t.
go and what positions can you do and you know as you age maybe your fantasies are changing now you do want to take a hot bath and do something different that maybe you didn’t think about when you were younger right and like so to keep asking people because they change and you talk about this so much with women who you know maybe they’re a little bit more inhibited when you first met and trying to fill each other out and you start having kids and life’s crazy but you know you get this
blossoming later in life where you can really tap into your erotic energy, you’re going to answer that question, what turns you on very differently than you would have 10 years earlier. That’s why this is a constant conversation that needs to happen in a really strong.
Laurie Watson, PhD (05:53.386)
which is so important to the whole bond for a couple.
George (06:00.224)
Exactly. Which might bring us to number two, right? Because you’re just… Go ahead.
Laurie Watson, PhD (06:01.516)
So let’s sorry, Joe. So basically, we want people to ask something like, is there something that you’ve always been curious to try, something that feels exciting or just different? How’s that? OK. OK, good.
George (06:20.006)
It’s the invitation I hope our listeners are getting. It’s an invitation that you need to keep circling back every couple weeks, couple months, whatever the timeline is, but to just check in because we keep changing and that’s such a good thing. Which brings us to number two, freedom from. What are some of the things that actually will hold back?
we want to express ourselves, right? With some of these beliefs we have, some of these cultural identities, some of our upbringing, like these are the blocks that kind of inhibit our sexual expression. And I have a partner want to explore that because we do know if you could identify what’s getting in the way of your great sex potential, you could these are the breaks. And the first one we’re talking about the gas pedals. Now we’re talking about the breaks. What are the things that hold you back?
Laurie Watson, PhD (07:46.038)
don’t touch yourself during sex. you should, only your partner should touch your clitoris basically is what she was saying. Because otherwise you shortchange him on learning how to do it. So there was some good intent there. She was trying to say, your partner needs to learn how to do this. But it was also this like, don’t ever touch yourself. And it’s like, you know, in certain positions, that’s…
That’s a bummer. So kind of coming underneath, like challenging, like is everything I’ve heard really true? And I don’t think that was religious. think I was just within a structure that was highly controlling about sexuality in many, many ways, right? Who would have thought that? She also did say that giving a man oral sex was like worshiping at the temple of God. So she also gave some really positive
Can you go for that one George? think that one was good?
George (08:43.522)
That’s, we should repeat that one just in case someone wasn’t listening.
Laurie Watson, PhD (08:50.366)
Yeah, but we want to understand the things that block us, our body image maybe.
George (08:56.088)
But you say that what a different image that is to equate oral sex, whichever way you do it, as worship, as a way of being present. that’s a very different religious or spiritual bent that we often don’t hear about.
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:44.844)
I think it was a freeing message there about oral sex certainly. Maybe not so freeing in other things, but yeah, I got some good stuff and I got some crazy stuff.
George (10:01.812)
And I always grew up, my house was like Grand Central Station with eight kids and always the friends of all the kids and there was, you know, 20 people there at all time, which I kind of liked the energy, but there wasn’t a lot of privacy. you know, whenever there was anything sexual when I was growing up, it had to be pretty quiet. that these little things kind of inform how you are.
So, you know, even currently, I try to find my voice and yell sometimes, and it’s like I can feel all this part of me that’s like, you shouldn’t be doing that, or be quiet. is just that being able to be curious about some of these blocks that we all have, you know, and they always make sense. They came from a good place, but do we still need them now? And the only way we’re gonna shift some of them is to examine them.
George (11:27.854)
I see anxiety as a doorway into curiosity. It’s really helped me do it a bit differently because I think the tendency is to want to avoid something and that anxiety is the body’s way of saying, hey, wherever you’re blocked.
Get curious about that. There’s something in that block that’s really important information. There’s something about you in that space that’s not grown or been shut down. And if we face it, you’re going to grow. Anxiety is like a marker pointing us to where we need to go.
Laurie Watson, PhD (12:27.626)
you know, staying in God’s grace, you know, or something. I mean, it was like, I don’t think that that’s a good example for me, but I get it. And so maybe the question would be right, like, okay, was there a moment in your life or a time in your life that made it hard to really let go during sex? And that’s what we want to ask our partner about. And we’re asking ourselves these things too. Yeah.
George (12:55.182)
We get a lot of body image, we get a lot of not feeling seen or noticed or feeling rejected or failing. All of these things are going to accumulate to kind of block our engagement and just being able to be curious about that and name it, we can start coming up with a plan to do differently.
George (13:22.764)
Mm-hmm.
George (13:37.634)
Beautiful.
George (13:47.63)
going to stretch this one out a bit.
George (13:52.578)
Yeah. I really enjoyed your metaphor of it being a doorway. I really do think a big part of what we try to do here is help people see the opportunity in the blocks to see that it is actually the process telling us where we need to go.
And for so many of us, the block is the stop of the conversation. I don’t like that. So we’re done with this. And it’s like, never can get to know what it is about us or our partner that we don’t like in more of a nuanced, detailed, exploratory way. And I do think gas pedals, there’s so much focus on our gas pedals, what turns us on, that these brakes that turn us off are probably even more important a lot of the time.
It’s so little couples feel equipped to have that conversation because I want to offend their partner or they don’t want to feel what they feel it So it’s it’s the avoidance of breaks that I think cause so much sexual shutdown
Laurie Watson, PhD (15:49.542)
get you to change your mind. I want to understand you more.
You know, and I think most of us too, to be fair, we haven’t thought about sometimes deeply about why we feel so against doing a particular act or, you know, whatever, sexually. And so it’s a really hard conversation. We all become withdrawals, drawers, you know, I don’t know. I don’t know why I feel that way. I just do. And it’s really hard to challenge ourselves to think about what’s
George (16:27.16)
Well, you’re leading us into number three, which is the freedom to say no. I mean, we are huge fans of saying no. is pushing yourself and your body to do something it doesn’t want to do. It’s just training your body not to enjoy sex or not be present in it. So being confident in your no, super important. But I like that you’re adding the no should come after some reflection, after some consideration to understand what is it you don’t like about it? Like if you’re that clear.
after some reflection, then that’s the healthiest thing you can do is put that boundary up and say, no, don’t, know, whatever it is, I don’t like anal sex. I kind of thought about it. You know, I can, I know for some people it’s erotic, you know, or just something about it for me that it just feels hurtful and dirty and it just turns me off. And I, you know, I can see why you would like it, but I’m just really, that’s something that’s never going to do it for me. Like,
And if you want to talk about it as my partner, you want to fantasize about it, I can let you do that. We could talk about that. And I could say, love it. You put it up my butt. you could you could find ways of being flexible to meet the other person’s gas pedal, but you still stay true to your know, like that’s that is so important to be able to do. We work with so many partners who can’t say no and they disappear over time. They really start to turn invisible. That no is such an important part of who they are. And they’re just they’re just blowing past it.
Laurie Watson, PhD (17:53.254)
Exactly. I mean, we have to respect the limits of our partner because in that respect, it builds trust. And we can only reveal our erotic self and what we desire and what we don’t desire within a trusting relationship. So I love what you’re saying there. know, and we have to, I say, we have to be able to say no in order to say yes.
George (18:43.8)
So do you have any nose? What, you have any nose?
George (18:52.638)
She’s an open book. It’s all yes. She got a of yeses.
Laurie Watson, PhD (18:56.908)
Kind of that two percent. What about you, G? You got some nose?
George (19:04.002)
You know, I’m not big into pain. Maybe at some point in my life I will be, but that’s doesn’t my… I don’t super enjoy that, so that tends to be a no.
George (19:17.218)
Yeah, I don’t.
George (19:23.362)
That could be a yes. I could give up some control. I’m in too much control, but you
Yeah, to let go of that sounds, could be interesting. But you know, some people like to be spanked or nipples tweaked and stuff like that, or bitten and you know, it’s, there’s something about pain that doesn’t do it for me. I think I’m okay with that boundary.
Laurie Watson, PhD (19:52.168)
Yeah, I think that we need to do more on BDSM and I think we need to be more educated about BDSM, you and I both. We need to bring an expert on it, think, can help us understand this because I don’t think it’s all about pain, I mean, that’s your limit, right? And so, you know, if your partner wants to spank you, forget it. I knew some people who he really wanted to be spanked with a hairbrush.
George (19:59.31)
Well, that’s true.
Laurie Watson, PhD (20:19.568)
And she thought that was so freaky, you know? But what we learned was he had been spanked as a child as a hairbrush. And I know people into BDSM say it has nothing to do with childhood abuse. I’m not sure, but in this case, it actually did. And the way he had conquered the experience that was out of control and scary was it had become eroticized. And so in his adult fantasy life, this transition
to arousal. And, you know, I just think that’s a triumph. And once she saw that and she realized, oh, it’s the transformation of something into, you know, a problem, into sexual enjoyment, actually she was able to like get behind that and feel okay about it. And it didn’t feel freaky anymore. I don’t know that she could go all the way to doing it, but it was, she understood it.
George (21:28.908)
Yeah, we’re not coming at this from a judgmental point of view. Like we believe to consent and adults to whatever turns them on and, you know, cool with that. And it’s also okay to not be turned on by something. I remember when I was 21 years old and I went to Amsterdam and I was like, well, this is like my first time in like a big crazy city around all this sexuality, you know, and I went to a show where they actually, you know, one partner pooped on the other partner. And I was like,
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:57.066)
Oof. that’s a no. There’s a no. There’s a no. Poop and pee, no thank you.
George (21:59.276)
That’s a no. There’s a no for Laurie. We found a no. There you go. If that’s your thing, that’s your thing, right? Whatever it is, but that’s a no for me too. So that was like, I saw that. was like, yeah, don’t, maybe I didn’t do some deep reflection and maybe if I did, who knows? But again, I think there are certainly a lot of situations where people want to do some.
Compromised position, you know, if you don’t want to do it out in public, you don’t want to do it your mother’s in the other room I mean, there’s so many things that could happen that it’s okay that your body just won’t be able to relax and you don’t the time and isn’t right or whatever it is that you’re able to say
Laurie Watson, PhD (22:37.878)
Yeah, absolutely. And we need to know about our partner what’s off the table, right? So maybe the question would be like, is there anything you’d like me to know that’s off the table for you sexually right now, right? Because it might have been on the table earlier, not anymore. But we got to know currently where they’re at. And that’s a big question. No, I definitely have some no’s, George. I think I’m not quite willing to talk about them all publicly. But no, I definitely have some no’s.
George (23:17.646)
couples just have never had that conversation. And then they try to discover it in the moment, which might not be the best timing to discover some of these things. So to be a bit proactive and just say, hey, look, take these three questions.
You know, this word freedom. And I love it. They put freedom with yes and freedom with blocks and freedom with no. Right? Because there’s freedom in all of these. That’s the beauty of it. It’s like there’s expansion. We get to know ourselves and our partner better with yeses, nos and blocks.
George (24:22.84)
we all have answers to these questions. But as Laurie was saying, this is what great lovers do. It’s less the information they get from the questions, it’s more that they can ask the questions. And not only can they answer the questions, but they can do the work to reflect. I so many of us just have these default answers to things just because we’ve never challenged some of these assumptions. We’ve learned something at an early age that we continue to operate under that system. And that freedom about expansion. Can we do it differently? And if we can, we’re bringing more and more that energy into the bedroom or maybe outside the bedroom.
George (25:18.99)
Keep it hot though.
