In today’s episode, we discuss the messages we received about sex and who taught us about it. Join hosts, Laurie and George in this exploration to uncover ‘who taught me about sex and what lessons did I receive?’ For many, you may have received a one time birds and the bees conversation from your parents or through a mandatory sex ed lesson at school. However, communication about sex is much more than a one time conversation. It is a process through which we exchange thoughtful ideas and openness for questions about intimacy.
Perhaps you intercepted messaging from religion, culture, music or a peer on the back of the school bus. The origins of how you learned about sex can inform much of your connection to sex present day. It’s time to get curious listeners and ask yourself and your partner what and from whom did I learn about sex? What messages did I receive and what beliefs did I form? These questions can help you dig deep and identify blocks, needs, desires or fantasies which when communicated about have the potential to be life changing. Keep it hot, y’all!
Check out this episode’s sponsor (and help the pod!):
Uberlube.com — Laurie’s long-time favorite personal lubricant!
Transcript
George (00:06.03)
Where did you learn about sex? What kind of context has it come up for you, Laurie? Let’s get into the details.
George (00:27.45)
I like that word teachers because a lot of our teachers we wouldn’t even think of as teachers and yet they are the ones that inform how we show up, we think about or act sexually and really the spirit of this episode is just reflect on that. Let’s just think about all the different teachers all of us have had. Some helpful, some not so helpful and it’s kind of never too late to examine and re-examine, be curious about our learning and maybe we change a couple things if they’re not working for us.
George (01:46.06)
We can do a whole episode on that, and on family. I think that is your first teacher, and unfortunately, most of us don’t get a lot of that role model to us. We don’t see healthy examples, what it looks like working, what do you deal with problems? I mean, a lot of this stuff, I do think parents need to do a better job of, we just keep passing on this lack of communication, which leaves people alone.
And then they don’t know how to talk about it with their partner. So I do think it starts in the family, you know, when it’s appropriate at whatever age, but it’s not a one-time conversation. Like my family was, it was like, my dad tried to basically give me the birds and the bees. I don’t know if I was 13 or 14. He was like, you know what, you just gotta keep it in your pants and, just, you know, make good decisions. Cause you don’t want to get everyone pregnant. I was like, okay. I was weird. That was it. That was my conversation.
Laurie Watson, PhD (02:36.679)
That was your talk on sex.
George (02:40.662)
It was it, it don’t do it, you know, don’t make a mistake. It was focused on what could go wrong and it was awkward. And, you know, my dad was trying, which I appreciate, it, and it never circled back to me. That’s the biggest miss. It’s communication is about a process. It’s not about a one-time talk. And really I didn’t need a conversation at different points in my life, but it didn’t feel like that was an option.
George (03:10.264)
Don’t have sex until you marry. That was her. Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (03:32.647)
concern about masturbation, that masturbation was not supposed to happen. I don’t know what the consequence was or it was just, there was pressure. What? You turned to stone. Yeah, I think that was part of it. But I know, um,
George (03:41.934)
You turn to stone. You turn to stone.
Laurie Watson, PhD (03:53.797)
I know, you know, my parents divorced and there was like some weird talk about their sex life, like just during those years when they were separating, kind of like, your mother doesn’t want to have sex with me. I mean, it was very kind of weird. Like I got fragments of both of their opinions. And so it was just kind of confusing about all of that. And I think by the time my father left the home,
George (05:29.07)
you’re sharing, we talk a lot about not talking. The opposite is also true, right? Oversharing at the wrong time or putting kids in a position that know things they shouldn’t know. you know, so wherever you fall on the spectrum, families tend to be our original place of learning about love and sex and intimacy. you know, a lot of families experience trauma, betrayals, secrets. I mean, it’s just so much, you know, stuff buried in our families around how we learn to approach these conversations.
issues.
Laurie Watson, PhD (05:59.911)
Yeah, it is. And I mean, some families, I think, do a really good job. I have a neighbor who talks about sexually openly with her children. She’s funny as heck. And that really helps, you know, because she just will say, she’ll just put it out there. And she’s also, she’s moral, she’s, you know, religious. there’s kind of this, but there’s this good positive message, as well as a few cautionary
Laurie Watson, PhD (06:39.397)
You know, and she’s just so funny. And that that really helps. remember telling my own children about sex and my oldest child, he was 10 and we were talking about it and he said, Yeah, yeah, yeah, mom, I know girls like romance and boys like sex. And I went, my gosh, what if I communicated like I have really messed that up, I think, in my effort to want him to realize how women needed sort of the
Laurie Watson, PhD (07:23.417)
I said, you know, the first time you should be with somebody that you love and respect and they’re like, I thought we had to be married. And that was kind of the shift when I was changing my viewpoint about that. I’m like, maybe you don’t have to be married. Maybe not married, but love and respect important, you know.
George (07:38.094)
Well, let me go back and change something up.
George (07:45.768)
Listen, as parents, we’re confused half the time. So no wonder why we’re confusing our kids. But it is about that commitment to keep trying and keep kind of addressing the topic. Otherwise, we leave them alone with that topic. But we also learn from more than just our parents, right? We learn from our siblings and we got nieces and cousins and people come over. mean, I remember I had an older brother who would
Laurie Watson, PhD (07:58.033)
Yeah, exactly.
George (08:08.938)
know why this was doesn’t seem appropriate looking back but this is just a reality is like you know my girlfriend really likes when you know you grab her boobs you want to grab her boobs like I’m like 10 years old grab it like this is just draining your brain to see something differently and you know I think there is a lot of you know and then we expand this conversation to friends it’s like you get one message that you shouldn’t have sex and then you go with your friends and they’re like how much sex can you have that’s how cool and popular you’re gonna be and you should be doing
Laurie Watson, PhD (08:18.631)
Like, sure. Yeah.
George (08:38.832)
I mean, it’s just a totally different message you’re getting in a different setting.
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:14.535)
boys can be very enamored by boobs. I remember my children talking about boobs when they were like six and seven. You know, like the girl has boobs and I’m like, wow, how did you like know that?
George (09:29.314)
And it also starts objectifying, right? It’s about the boob and it’s less about the person with the boob. You can see how your sexuality gets externalized in objects that turn you on and that can set you down a road that leads you to pretty disconnected sex.
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:49.391)
Yeah, that’s so true. And I’m trying to think about the memories from my own brothers. The only one that really stands out for me, I had two brothers growing up, I actually have a half sister as well, but I wasn’t raised with her. But it was on my first date, and it was boys I knew, boys from the church group, but they were four years older, they were more my brother’s age. And there was a lot of like joking and kidding
me about they’re going to take you down to the beach. And I knew the implication was they were going to take me to the beach, I guess, to have sex with me, which I couldn’t quite imagine. That was not something I wanted to do. And it was not something that I would imagine these boys were on the same plane. This was a first date. And of course, after dinner, the boys said, let’s go to the beach. And I was just absolutely terrified. I hadn’t said anything all through dinner. I had completely shut down.
Laurie Watson, PhD (11:07.973)
was, you know, beyond where I was. And of course, it was actually, they were lovely men. You know, they were lovely guys. And we just went to the beach and talked and joked and I was with my best friend and it was fine. But yeah, that was what I remember from my brothers. My brothers were not that good to me in terms of these kinds of things.
George (11:27.436)
if you think about all the exploration that happens when you’re younger. Like I get together with my younger sisters and brother and like they tell me stories of things they were doing. was like, where the heck was I when all this stuff is happening? You went to so and so and you were doing this in the bushes and this one was doing this and know, bottle here and do, I mean, there’s just so much exploration, which is a healthy normal thing to do. But again, these things inform.
you know, us on how we show up sexually. we just want people to take an inventory as we’re doing this. What are some of these experiences that you have that have either helped you with some gas pedals or they’ve really put some of these breaks in place that start to complicate our sexuality?
George (12:36.398)
And there’s a good reason for caution in certain settings, but yes, sometimes when you’re perfectly safe, if your body is waiting for something bad to happen, it’s really gonna be hard to enjoy and allow something good to happen. And I think that happens to a lot of people with the message around sex, the caution and the risks, which are super important, but they don’t get a lot of the balance, the other side, the beauty, the health, know, peace, relaxation, that can happen.
Let’s come back and talk about some more context.
George (13:12.655)
How was your sex ed class?
George (13:39.342)
You are sure. You already have a gold star.
George (13:49.646)
The only thing I remember is, you know, it was a big auditorium and I was there with my father.
and the teacher said, penis, and all the dads and sons laughed. And that was the thing I remember, just the word penis. Every time that they would say penis, we’d all laugh. And that was pretty much the of my education there. That was pretty funny. But I think there was a lot of focus on biology and cells and things like that that really didn’t really do much for, yeah, actually helping me understand what was going on.
Laurie Watson, PhD (13:58.353)
with your dad.
Laurie Watson, PhD (14:24.076)
There’s a book that’s out there called I Love Female Orgasm and the author says, would it have been good in school if we had learned where the clitoris was rather than the ovaries? Because do you remember anybody talking about the clitoris in school? Nope. I don’t think they even showed like. Yeah.
George (14:42.19)
Nope. I do know how you get pregnant. That’s what it seemed like it was really about pregnancy.
George (15:35.574)
I think so much of the messages we do get from schools that we’re with our peers again. I remember I was in junior high school and I had like green sweatpants on and the girl’s like, you must be really horny. You wear green. I was like, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Like, but these are the things that stick in your brain. It was embarrassing. I didn’t know how to talk about the subject. I just kind of like wanted to run away and.
It’s these subtle, almost unconscious training that we get around the awkwardness of it. And every time you try to deal with that by getting away from it, it’s training your body to not want to these conversations. So you can listen to our podcast and be like, yes, talk about great lovers, communicate. But if you don’t confront the thousands of repetitions your body has had getting away from these topics, then it’s going to want to keep doing the same thing.
Laurie Watson, PhD (16:22.023)
So true. remember the same conversation. I was eating green &Ms. And they said, must be horny because you’re eating green &Ms. There must have been something in art. Well, I’m older than you, but maybe in the same span that green was somehow or another associated with horny. don’t know how that. George.
That is so good, your green hat. It has the word sexual on it, the sexual cycle. I love it. And you chose green. Look at all that from way back when. Yeah. So. That’s what Kathy knows to watch out, huh? He’s wearing his green underwear. That’s just because you’re Irish. You always wear green underwear, right?
George (16:54.04)
sexual cycle there it is something about see that a long time ago and the color still with me I have green underwear on but I won’t say anything about that
George (17:10.702)
That’s it, she’s in trouble. But if we expand that, if we expand from the school setting, the next setting for a lot of people is their faith tradition, right? The church, synagogue, mosque, wherever they spend some time, right? There’s messages, certainly we’re gonna get around sexuality, what to do or not to do that also add to this mixture of how we show up.
Laurie Watson, PhD (17:35.739)
Yeah.
And I grew up Christian, but I also, grew up Episcopalian and then in my late teens I joined a more fundamentalist movement called the Vineyard. And the Episcopal Church is probably much more liberal. I mean, I don’t think there was a big moratorium on premarital sex that I remember. And that was definitely a place, like, there was a lot of sexual conversations, the leadership in the youth group.
George (18:19.278)
Yeah, but you can see that I got conflicting messages. You know, the church is saying, do not masturbate. It’s wrong. It’s sinful. You know, and then I go out with my friends who are passing along Playboys and saying, you know, this is what you gotta do. Take this home with you. And it’s like, what do you suppose you got the angel on one hand, shoulder, the devil’s on the other shoulder? Like you’re going to war around these sexual conversations. And, you know, at least I think most of us feeling pretty confused.
Laurie Watson, PhD (19:17.981)
your justification and I remember I had an answer and it was much further than what they thought and I remember them like like questioning me like well why would you think that and somehow or another I had to kind of justify this and I realized I was wrong right I realized that my answer was wrong in there
George (19:22.446)
What was it?
George (19:40.75)
should have stopped at first base.
Laurie Watson, PhD (19:43.72)
I should have known to say first base, right? That was the answer they wanted. And I was honest enough and obviously naive enough to trust that they wanted my real answer. They did not. Yeah, but and I got a lot of.
George (20:57.774)
Yeah, I a priest who was very cosmetic and just real. He was the one that said, what’s wrong with pornography is not what it shows, it’s what it doesn’t show. It doesn’t show love and connection. And you talked about the Book of Solomon and, you know, there’s a lot in faith traditions that do give really healthy, beautiful examples of love. And, you know, so I always feel there’s a lean towards bashing religion because of all the inhibitions it puts on people.
And I always try to balance it out that some of those beautiful examples of long-lasting love and committed great sex relationship happen in this kind of context around faith and loyalty and commitment. So there’s so much beauty in it too. It’s just trying to have these conversations where people can align with their values. Some really beautiful things happen.
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:50.223)
Yeah, and I think I would say I had both. My first experience in church was God is good, God made sex, sex is good, sex is about love. And my second experience, there was more prohibition and restriction and fear about crossing a line sexually that would leave you out of God’s world.
George (22:17.324)
Yeah, fear based to love based is certainly different starting points. You know, and then we have a lot more than that. I mean, what do we see every day on news ads and books and Internet using porn, right? That’s going to give our brains even more and more messages around what it’s supposed to look like and feel like. And what was some of your messages you picked up early on around?
George (23:57.486)
So I think.
Laurie Watson, PhD (23:57.787)
What about for you?
George (23:59.628)
I think it fed more that objectifying sex was about how people looked. It was about desire attraction. think what you see in movies and instant attraction and kind of mutual orgasms immediately, like that kind of skewed my brain towards more of a typical sexist performance based orgasm as opposed to some of the deeper elements that I learned a little bit later in life.
But I like that we’re inviting our listeners to just go back in time. Just go back in time and reflect. Think about all the thousands of interactions you’ve had around sexual conversations or acts that our body remembers. It keeps score and it informs what we’re doing today. And some of it works great for us and some not so good. And I think if we could examine it, we could tweak it.
George (25:49.966)
Keep it hot y’all.
