Welcome Brave Lovers! In today’s episode we are deep diving into what desire feels like on the body. You’ve heard us talk about using body cues in identifying the negative cycle but today we are focusing on physical pleasure. We are challenging listeners to expand their definition of “good sex” and focus more on the experience of desire, of pleasure and of sexual connection. What is your body feeling during all this?
Listen in as we help put words to the experience of desire, gain more ways to describe to your partner how they make you feel and learn how this will help you to repeat desire fueled connection! Electric, warm, pulsating, pulling towards, openness, freedom; are just a sample of the words and phrases we discuss in this episode to help you capture what desire feels like on your body and how to share it with your partner. Our body cues can help us identify what is working and what we want to grow more of rather than just the negative experience.
Send us your favorite words or phrases to describe desire on our instagram @BraveLoveGreatSex and make sure to pre-order a copy of our book by the same name today!
Transcript
George (03:57.711)
Body in, body out. So important. Gotta listen to these signals, Laurie.
Laurie Watson, PhD (04:04.697)
Ooh, we’re going to talk about what our body feels with desire, right? I’m buzzing already. Okay, George, our book is coming out September 15th. Please. All of you who are buying it closer and closer and pre-sales really help us pop at the beginning. So you can find us wherever books are sold at this point everywhere.
George (04:12.214)
Yeah.
George (04:21.356)
Okay, closer and closer.
Laurie Watson, PhD (04:33.677)
Brave Love Great Sex, Harnessing Attachment Theory for Passionate Relationships. We’re excited about that. And November 14th, we have our couples retreat, right? It’s a day long Zoom couples retreat. We already have the ability to sign up on our website. So please visit us there, bravelovegreatsex.com.
George (04:36.75)
Honesty.
George (04:57.334)
And Laurie’s finally talked me into after all these years, having more of a social media presence. So we’re, you know, you gotta get the gotta get the word out there. And I’m I’m starting to realize just the importance of people. This is how they kind of get a little information. So, you know, ch check out now we’re finally doing TikToks and Instagram and things that Laurie’s been doing for a while, but I’m trying to do a little catch up.
Laurie Watson, PhD (05:03.82)
Mmm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (05:14.595)
That’s right. That’s right.
Laurie Watson, PhD (05:23.021)
That’s right, so you can follow us on Brave Love Great Sex on Instagram. George is on Fowler George, right? And I’m Dr. Laurie Watson on Instagram and find us and we’re doing all sorts of…
George (05:30.882)
Yeah.
George (05:36.342)
And give us feedback. Tell us what’s working, right? Tell us what’s not working. And some of you are much better at this than we are. So we’re really open to feedback of just it’s exciting times with the book getting out there. And if we could just get a lot a little momentum going, I think it really makes a huge difference. So we appreciate it.
Laurie Watson, PhD (05:53.357)
That’s right. Okay, so let’s talk about this, George. You’ve been teaching a bit about how there are certain experiences in our body that need response to that. And then there are other experiences in our body that are really moving us toward growing. Do want to talk a little bit about that?
George (06:12.664)
Yeah, I mean, I think it’s exciting that the field is moving towards the somatic, really listening to the wisdom of our body. And it’s always communicating. It’s telling us what the problem is. It’s also telling us what the solution is, what we need. So we think it’s pretty logical to listen to your body. And it really tells the story, especially in therapy, of progress. It tells the story of how people go from protection and not feeling safe to actually
facing and and dealing with and feeling their fears and threats and kind of asking for help and then receiving that help, right? And how the body shifts from distress and a tight chest or a queasy stomach of what we feel like when we’re afraid to when we’re actually the disconnection is replaced with connection. How the body expands, right? And all these good things happen.
Laurie Watson, PhD (06:57.945)
All right.
Let’s give an example of that so people can know kind of what it would feel like if they were, let’s say maybe the sexual withdraw. Maybe they have shut down, right, after anxiety about maybe their body image or something. And so inside they feel something in their body, right, this longing to be reassured that they’re good enough, that they’re attractive. I don’t know, maybe they would feel it kind of in their stomach.
George (07:10.157)
Really.
Laurie Watson, PhD (07:31.349)
Just like, like a…
George (07:31.705)
Yeah. Well when they say no, right? When they say no to their partner to sex, their partner thinks they don’t feel anything. They just don’t care. They’re not interested. They actually feel a lot. Like when they’re saying no, they’re feeling the pressure that moment. They feel like they’re letting their partner down. They probably feel bad about themselves. That definitely has a physical marker, right? That
Our body is a is a alarm system. It lets us know what’s happening in the world. So when we’re disappointing our partner, it’s gonna be communicated. And a lot of people, sexual withdrawals will feel that in their stomach. That’s that dorsovagal nerve. Like I’m I’m doing something wrong, I’m bad, you know, what’s wrong with me? My body’s broken. That’s a really bad feeling.
Laurie Watson, PhD (08:13.023)
Yeah, exactly. Or maybe it’s about fear, right? I come forward and accept the initiation, then you’re going to see me. And I’m so anxious about that, that I don’t want to be seen because I don’t want to be judged. So there’s this terrible fear and it shows up in our body. think that so many people, George, don’t connect the body to their emotions because as a culture, we’re kind of disconnected from our bodies. We’re not taught.
George (08:38.723)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (08:42.049)
to think about our body as having something important to say. But what I love about it is, what I love about teaching clients about this is that…
George (08:45.858)
Yeah. It’s
Laurie Watson, PhD (08:52.713)
If you can listen to the body, first of all, can know, OK, I’m actually under stress here. Something is happening. There’s something that I’m feeling that’s deeper than what maybe I’m even saying. And if I can get a hold of that feeling and know what it is, potentially, I can more vulnerably communicate with my partner, more directly communicate with them about what they’re feeling and get my needs met. My partner wants me. I say no.
George (09:19.981)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:22.587)
looks like rejection, but on the inside I’m so afraid. I’m so afraid of being seen and being judged and I can’t say those things. So instead my partner feels rejected, but on the inside I’m actually feeling worried about rejection. Right? That’s so confusing.
George (09:37.388)
Yeah.
It’s confusing, which is why a couple of things have to happen. I mean, most of the time why people don’t have words for their bodies because they’re focusing on their partner. They’re not focusing on themselves, right? They’re focusing, well, I wonder what my partner thinks. I my partner’s probably angry at me. What can I do to make my partner happy? Like so, and then when they do start thinking about themselves, it’s thinking. It’s like, yeah, I’m afraid, what’s gonna happen? And like they’re spinning around in their heads. So if your focus is external or it’s spinning around in your head, you’re probably gonna be a little disconnected.
From what your body is communicating. And that’s the invitation here. We’re trying to get people to slow down because there’s always a physiological response when we’re threatened. It’s always there. You know, I’ve been raised most of my life not to listen to my body. So it’s like I just know I’m angry at something or like and I wanna I wanna fix it. I want to do something like to actually see the value and slowing down and say, wait a second, what are you threatened by? Where is that live in your body? It’s given us such important information.
Laurie Watson, PhD (10:35.629)
Yeah. Yeah, so let’s just say you were rejected sexually, George. Where would you feel that in your body? Can you imagine a time?
George (10:45.058)
I think rejection, yeah, rejection is more of a more of a feeling in my chest. It’s like in my heart. It’s like, no, like. And then the rejection I think can quickly go to feeling bad, right? And that you know, shame is often lurking. Like we have to make sense of rejection. That’s why it’s so much easier to focus on the other person. Like, you know.
Laurie Watson, PhD (11:09.355)
And where would you feel shame in your body? Is it the same place in your chest or is it slightly different? So it moves slightly down. Yeah, yeah. So first, yeah.
George (11:16.172)
I think if it’s my solar plex it moves into my stomach shame.
George (11:22.328)
Big moves down, yeah.
And people can feel it a lot of times in their throat, in their shoulders, in their neck, you know, in their chest. And some people do feel in their head. They feel it in the extremities. There’s no right or wrong. It’s just the body, it’s it’s giving us information.
Laurie Watson, PhD (11:39.917)
Right, and people ask me sometimes, does it mean something if you feel in your chest versus your stomach? And I would say no. I mean, it’s unique to the person in terms of how the emotion lands in their body, how it’s expressed and felt in the body.
George (11:56.089)
Yeah, I do show these pictures of how different emotions usually are embodied in different locations. You know, so where anger can you can see like when people are angry, literally their body lights up, you can see their extremities, like you you can you know, it it where you know, shame people retreat. There’s a coldness, there’s an emptiness that starts to happen. So the body doesn’t have the same big response that it has with anger and it starts to hide, it starts to shrink. So Yelly just being curious about
There’s, and we’ll talk about this later, there’s different motivations for why we do what we do. And that influences how our body expresses what it’s expressing.
Laurie Watson, PhD (12:33.529)
Sure, sure.
And then we want to talk about also how when our needs are met, when that experience in our body tells us something about our emotional need and our partner, we tell them about it, we’re vulnerable about it, and that need is met, there’s relief, right? Our body feels comforted. You know, maybe if your partner explains to you, you know, I’m, yeah, I’m rejecting you, but I have a cold coming on and it’s not you, it’s, you know, I just kind of feel sick or whatever.
maybe that sense of it’s about me, that rejection goes away. It’s like, okay, it’s really just that they’re not feeling good. There’s kind of relief. It doesn’t drop into your solar plexus because the shame is alleviated.
George (13:19.404)
Yeah, that’s the good news. If you know you’re feeling sad, your body’s needing some comfort. If you’re afraid it’s needing some reassurance. If you’re feeling not seen, you need to be seen. If you’re feeling like you’re failing, you need to be told it’s okay. Like if we could lean into our fears, if we could listen to where they are in our body and we could communicate that to our partner.
Our partner coming forward with caregiving, right, is the missing ingredient. It’s what allows our body to shift. That’s why we say body in, body out. If I feel like you’re not listening to me and it makes me feel lonely, and I share that with you, and you say, Hey, yeah, I’m sorry, I’ve been dis a little distracted, but I yes, I want to hear what you have to say. It’s so important. I really I love you, baby. And you come close and give me a hug, like that thing in my stomach that was feeling bad is probably going to relax, right? Because that
Laurie Watson, PhD (14:09.056)
Absolutely.
George (14:10.21)
disconnection has now led to connection.
Laurie Watson, PhD (14:12.969)
Absolutely. And then once our body relaxes, George, that’s when we can experience all the good desire physical experiences, right? We can move out, can become playful and move toward growth and feel those things. And I think so many people kind of miss out on something so delightful when they’re just thinking, you know, yeah, I want to have sex or they don’t listen and tune in.
into what their body is experiencing, which can be incredible.
George (14:47.914)
It is hard to feel all those good feelings when you’re drowning, which is why we need that reassurance, those safety needs met first. But yes, when we come back for the break, let’s take some time to lean into how does the body show itself when it’s expanding? I mean, this is the beautiful positive emotions that if we’re not intentional about, right, they just slip away. We miss them, right? We want to grow these islands of security that we’re gonna grow with repetitions.
Laurie Watson, PhD (15:15.733)
Okay, let’s talk about it when we come back.
George (15:25.718)
You said?
Laurie Watson, PhD (16:09.887)
Okay, George, when we finally feel like our needs are met, this is when we can start to feel in our body kind of our growth longings, right? When curiosity and playfulness, exploration happen, we can begin to tune into pleasure and our body becomes more open rather than urgent, right? Sometimes when we’re anxiously attached, we’re needing sex to mean something to us, right? We’re needing it to say, I approve of you.
you’re valuable, you’re worthy, but sometimes those urgent needs are not the same as the alive needs where we’re more open, where we actually begin to feel sexual pleasure. And so I want to just kind of have you think about what does desire feel like in your body? it other than, I’m horny or I’m aroused or I’m turned on, how would you actually describe desire as it enters your body?
George (17:08.2)
Yeah, and I I’m excited about this conversation because even when we talk about desire it’s it’s kind of ab abstract. It’s like I’m curious and you know, playful and like we have these words that kind of make sense, but they’re they’re not physiological feelings.
Laurie Watson, PhD (17:24.333)
Wait, wait, wait. You’re completely off.
Laurie Watson, PhD (17:30.457)
George? OK, good. Yeah, it’s back now. OK.
George (17:31.446)
Hit this button. No, is it back?
George (17:38.561)
Yeah, I’m super excited about this conversation because, you know, even when we think we’re talking about positive sexual feelings, the words are a bit abstract, right? They’re like, I feel curious, I feel playful, I’m feel connected. Like these are nice things, but they’re not actually physiological feelings in a body. And I think the more we notice that, the more we grow it. So for me, like when I feel excited, there is like a
There’s there’s an excitement in my body that it it’s almost like a like a bubbling feeling in my. I can feel that like for my stomach and my chest. It’s like, you know, this I can feel myself rocking a bit. There’s definitely a warmth that happens, you know, in both my genitals, but also my chest area. I can feel like this, this, this tingling, like I can feel like my body, that watting feeling. It’s like a
It’s a pull, like it’s trying to get me to engage. It’s like I it’s normally I could sit back and be relaxed, but this thing is like moving me to to kind of exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
Laurie Watson, PhD (18:39.001)
It’s like a magnetic drawing to your partner, right? Nice, nice, very exciting. I love that you could describe all those words. I was sitting with a man in session recently and he was telling his partner about what he felt and he said, it’s like electric. Like when you start to tell me about that you want me and that you are attracted to me, he said, I feel this electricity all over my body. it was like the whole room
George (18:56.268)
Mm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (19:08.955)
of crackled with this electric feel. You know, we can all feel it. You know, yeah, it was beautiful.
George (19:14.36)
It’s pretty funny. I I’m laughing because like sometimes if I don’t, you know, know if we’re gonna, you know, get frisky and not, you know, my wife say reaches over and and like runs my chest or something and I’m not sure if it’s gonna lead to sex or not.
But my body has a tell. Like I get to shake, right? That’s like it. There’s something about that. That’s that’s the arousal part about it. I’m like, you know, so she knows with that shake that’s what’s now I’m looking for, but like that that electric just made me think of that way. I never connected that before. It’s like an electric feeling. It’s it’s like it moves through my body and it it leads to the shake, which is kind of interesting.
Laurie Watson, PhD (19:44.217)
Yup.
Laurie Watson, PhD (19:58.713)
Beautiful, beautiful.
George (20:00.524)
How about for you?
Laurie Watson, PhD (20:01.877)
I think for me, I feel sexual desire more like a tingling, you know, like almost like a blush, you know, how both in my genitals, but also my stomach. It’s almost like, you know, how a blush forms and blooms, maybe when you’re embarrassed and you’re like, okay, I’m getting red, I’m getting red, I’m getting red. It’s kind of this sense of this blooming feeling.
So that’s kind of how I feel it. Not all the time, but sometimes, especially maybe, you know, for having dinner together, we’re drinking a little wine and he’s looking at me and we’re starting to talk about it we know what’s coming. It’s like my body just starts to respond like that. Kind of, I guess also like heat is spreading throughout my body. Yeah.
George (20:53.676)
Nice. Yeah, and we talk about this with catching glimmers, thinking about moments in your life where your body has been turned on. Was it dancing? You know, different settings bring it out, but we’re really trying to encourage you all, like, what does it bring out? Like when you’re dancing, are you feeling relaxed? Like, what does that feel like in your body when you’re in attunement with somebody and you’re moving with them? Like, what does that feel like? Like if we take that moment to just get ground it in the body.
It’s k it’s given us more information and it makes it easier next time to identify.
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:28.953)
Yeah, and I think, you know, some people say, I don’t feel anything in my body. Is there something wrong with me? But for many people, they’re responsive sexual people. They don’t feel something really until they get aroused. So they’re more assenting to that experience. They’re saying, yes, I want to have sex. But they’re not coming from the body. They’re coming from their mind that says, I want to make love to you. I want to feel something.
I want to connect with you. Sure. But they don’t feel anything inside. And that’s okay. But I would ask them, when arousal does start, does it begin to feel like how do you first know arousal starts? And I would say for me, there’s this very sharp delineation. Like moving from yes to actual arousal is like almost a cringey, painful feeling.
George (22:13.827)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (22:28.763)
It’s hard to explain. It’s like this knife edge of pleasure pain. It just starts to feel like suddenly it feels really, really good compared to nice, gentle, lovely. Like suddenly it’s intense.
George (22:43.496)
Mm. Yeah, I love how specific you’re getting. I think as for me and for a lot of men, we we know we’re aroused. When we’re aroused, we get an erection and it’s we don’t have to really pay attention much more than that. But what a missed opportunity that is to know more about what’s happening. I felt pretty disconnected from my body because you know, I was I knew I was aroused. That’s all I really paid attention to. And you know that we do this with the negative cycle all the time. Identify your trigger.
Laurie Watson, PhD (22:53.985)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (23:05.88)
Yeah.
George (23:12.236)
Like what is the moment when your body notices something and it starts to respond? Well, wouldn’t that be just as good in this in the bedroom? Like, when do you notice you’re turned on? You know, when your partner looks at you a certain way, is there something in their voice? And like that does something. Your body is recording that. You know, and the more that we can say, like, yeah, there’s like a that teasing feeling.
just I can feel like a a shift in me if my partner teases me that’s like, we’re going here, huh? Like there is a freedom or a l an openness that it it it feels like in that moment.
Laurie Watson, PhD (23:48.174)
Yeah.
And I think with sexual withdrawers, I often ask people, wait until you feel them exhale. So if you’re already turned on and your body is throbbing and tingling and you’re wanting to see like, is my partner matching me? Oftentimes you can kind of see them as they relax into the moment, their shoulders kind of drop, their breathing deepens. Maybe there’s like a softening in the way that they’re holding you or feeling with
you and it’s almost like if you let yourself, your nervous system can resonate with your partner and it’s like, ooh, there’s the opening. There’s the point where they can come towards you. Maybe that’s the moment you can make your move, which I think learning to have sex with somebody for a lifetime, it takes a lifetime to kind of learn how to do this because it’s so complicated. Yeah, learning to attune.
George (24:43.082)
It is. But I again we’re we’re talking that attunement, we’re talking a lot about how it starts, but you’re talking about the whole process, right? Your body’s engaged in the whole process, right? There are moments of of of misses and, you know, going the wrong direction and you know that and noticing that and what that feels like in your body. But when you get into those moments of attunement, I mean, those are what feel I think
great lovers describe is so spiritual. It’s like, you know, you can feel almost like this this level of connection. Like, how do we put words to that when your when your body is in such a flow state with someone else that it’s like you don’t even know where you are, you end and they begin. I mean, isn’t that pretty, pretty magical to have that feeling?
Laurie Watson, PhD (25:25.241)
Mm. Mm. So true. A woman I was talking with described it, that flow state. Like she’s like, like, we could do no wrong. Like everywhere he touched just felt good. And she’s like, you know, we were all over the bed just.
lost in time and space. And it was almost like her boundaries were gone. And I think that’s what you’re talking about, this spiritual time of being united spiritually, is our boundaries go down, fall down. I think that’s what’s so powerful. And I think for some people so scary about having an orgasm is you lose your boundaries. You’re just out there, you let go completely. And you are sometimes in union with your partner, whether or not it’s happening at the same time.
I think having an orgasm in the presence of somebody else is this incredible experience of spiritual flow. I’m trusting you, I’m leaning into you, I’m letting go with you. It’s so beautiful and such a big experience.
George (26:32.248)
Beautiful. Yeah, so we’re really encouraging our listeners and we don’t want you to get in your head and overthink these things, but like don’t settle for good. We use that word good to describe a million different things. Like what is good? You feel seen, you feel wanted, your body’s relaxed.
You can feel the excitement in your chest. You can see your tingling in your body, like you’re leaning in, you’re feeling the pull towards your partner. You kind of can’t wait to kiss their neck because there’s the smell and the taste. I mean, our senses come alive. There’s so much amazing things happening in our body. That’s why we love sex. We just don’t often put words to what that is. And what we’re finding is when you can put words to it, you grow it.
Laurie Watson, PhD (27:15.833)
We’re saying don’t settle for the word good. They can settle for good experiences, but the word good like explore and expand inside. See if playing with the physical sensation with kind of your emotional experience with your partner, if that doesn’t expand your pleasure and your unity with your partner.
George (27:19.49)
Yeah. Yeah.
George (27:38.126)
Yeah.
When I ask a couple, how’s it going? They say we had sex. I’m like, great. How was it? And they say good. I’m like, all right, time to go to work. Let’s lean into good. Let’s find our word to unpack good. And every time they do that, they’re grateful because they know a little bit more about themselves and each other. And it makes it easier to grab some of those same things the next time.
Laurie Watson, PhD (27:48.697)
Thank
Laurie Watson, PhD (28:01.961)
Absolutely, we can repeat what we can talk about. Okay, thanks for listening.
George (28:08.024)
Keep it hot, y’all.
