In today’s episode we are discussing receptivity and initiation. Receptivity is about receiving and responding to cues from your partner. Some partners may be sexually receptive or emotionally receptive meaning they need their partner to initiate the cues first and then they can respond.
Join our hosts, George and Laurie as they breakdown what this looks like in relationships and the negative trap that it can sometimes create. If you often find that your partner doesn’t initiate emotional conversations or sex negative meaning is often created, as “they don’t care.” Our hosts, warn that this pathway is a block to connection and it’s more relational to remember that having to cue your partner is not always a bad thing. This conversation is sure to get you think about how you show up in your relationship and what you may need to do differently.
Transcript
George (00:06.328)
Receptivity, here we go Laurie, inside and outside the bedroom. Is it all the same? Is it different? What the heck are we doing with this?
Laurie Watson, PhD (00:16.934)
Yeah, okay, we’ll talk about what we need in order to get a conversation going or what we need in order to get going in bed.
George (00:26.274)
Get it going.
Laurie Watson, PhD (00:28.99)
Again, we just want to thank you patrons for helping us. If you’d like to support our mission, we definitely have some needs. Just go to 4playsextherapy.com and we are right there. You can become one of our patrons and help support us, especially if you feel like we’re helping you. just, need you on board with us. Thanks so much.
George (00:50.27)
It helps fill the tank and if you got no money, you keep us in your prayers. People writing emails does make a big difference. It’s always encouraging when you never meet somebody, but you get an email that some of this work has helped really change people’s lives and create more safety and better, stronger bonds. mean, that is why we’re doing it. It feels really cool to get that feedback.
Laurie Watson, PhD (01:14.736)
Okay, so George, when you say receptivity, know that women, the research shows that most women are receptive sexually. That means that they, when their partner approaches them and wants sex and gives them the mink, you know, they feel at that point, okay, now sex comes into my brain and, you know, maybe I can.
figure out my desire to have sex, but they’re receptive. They’re not necessarily going around the day thinking, wow, I can hardly wait to get home and jump my husband’s bones, right? They’re not initiating sex. They’re more receiving the sexual request or initiation, and from that, then they get going.
George (02:00.078)
Yeah. I think there’s a lot of understanding of that, right? Influence of testosterone or whatever else, but usually one partner, we’re talking about heterosexual couple, right? The man is thinking about sex often, quickly visual, like so that desire there, they have that chasing energy that’s looking for opportunities. You you’re coming out of the bathroom, they see their partner and like, you know, we got 15 minutes. I mean, there’s already that kind of quick energy that’s driving
a sexual encounter. And a lot of times the female partner, it’s not first in the forefront of their mind. And, you know, they, they just got, they’ve learned to trust that if they put their body in that situation and with the right alignment of the stars and the moon is in the right spot and everything is perfect.
Laurie Watson, PhD (02:45.47)
Come on, come on. Come on.
George (02:52.044)
Come on. That’s how that’s often how the male partner feels. Everything has to be perfect. This scene has to be perfect. But what the reality is, is that it’s that.
They are more receptive and that’s a beautiful thing to put your body in a space, not sure what’s going to happen, trusting that, you know, love will do its thing and your body will do its thing and the connection will grow and strong. mean, I always find that inspiring for a partner who doesn’t have the chase and energy, you know, to put themselves in the same spot. It’s so much easier when you have that chasing energy.
Laurie Watson, PhD (03:27.806)
So I just want to ask you a question. So have you ever been in a spot where you’re like just too tired for sex and your partner wants sex and you’re like, OK. And you have to kind of figure out how to get up for it, so to speak.
George (03:45.198)
I have, you know, I think about trying to conceive and, know, those moments, sex on demand where my was like, I’m ovulating. Let’s go. And it was like, wait a second. Whoa, whoa, whoa, He’ll you know, that, that, that was when she would be chasing and pushing for it. And I wasn’t ready. I had to be receptive and you know,
Laurie Watson, PhD (03:51.388)
Yeah, infertility treatment. Yeah.
George (04:07.837)
That’s a different energy. He really is eyeopening for me during those times to be like, wait a second. I didn’t even get a chance to settle in and let you got to want to die me a little bit. And like we had some role reversal during those times.
Laurie Watson, PhD (04:18.462)
Yeah, different, different.
George (04:24.277)
It’s different, you know, and.
Laurie Watson, PhD (04:25.222)
Yeah, I think that pressure that you feel when your partner wants it, the pressure alone is different. The demand is different, let alone just kind of, okay, how do I switch gears myself to get into the sexual mode? Yeah, we struggled with infertility too. I remember one time I was ovulating and my husband was in another city. And so I flew up to be with him and he’s like, okay, great.
George (04:28.674)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (04:55.276)
I got 15 minutes and I’m like, okay sounds really sexy
George (05:02.349)
Well, the person who’s being pressured, it’s not just the pressure. Like things might not work when you’re pressured, right? And it’s not stay hard. might not get lubricated. I mean, and then, then, then I’m failing and then like the body knows shame is coming. So there’s a lot of domino effect here, but underneath that pressure, which only increases the pressure. So, you know, to be receptive, you’re, you’re, handling a lot that that person who’s initiating being driven by desire often is not aware of.
Laurie Watson, PhD (05:31.986)
Right, harder for men to be receptive, every pun intended. There we go. Okay, but you have been talking about something that I have found really interesting, and I think there’s a truth in it, even though I don’t know of yet any research about this, but that…
George (05:36.845)
This has got to stand up and salute, otherwise it’s not a nice job.
Laurie Watson, PhD (05:55.438)
As women are more receptive emotionally, perhaps emotional withdrawers are more receptive emotionally. like, you know, again, you know, potentially a female partner who is saying, you know, I want to have a discussion with you. That’s the first time maybe the, partner has thought about.
gosh, do we actually need to talk about something? I didn’t even know there was something up that we needed to talk about. Or maybe it’s just the download of the day, like, hey, how was your day? That’s a cue for that person to open up and start sharing, whereas they don’t come in the door thinking, I can hardly wait to download my day to my partner.
George (06:43.756)
Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of our work we’ve been doing on the emotional and sexual cycle and those being two ways interconnection, two ways of getting your needs met. That if you really emphasize one, you might be more receptive than the other. And there’s just some balance between the two. So I, yes, with a ton of men that I work with, that emotional withdrawers, they don’t have the same need to have these vulnerable conversations. They don’t have the same need to check in and download.
Like they’re open to it if their partner wants to, but they’re not initiating a lot of those conversations. They, you know, if we don’t have to talk about, you know, unloading the day, it’s fine. Let’s just watch a show like that drive that I always call it chasing energy, that chase an energy that wants to find connection to vulnerable conversations. They just don’t have the same amount of need as their partner.
That doesn’t mean they’re not open to it. That doesn’t mean they won’t be receptive if their partner does. And a lot of times, if you look at the conversations, it’s often a sexual pursuer wanting to download for the withdraw. It’s not the other way around. It’s not a 50 50 kind of balance.
Laurie Watson, PhD (07:52.188)
Yeah. And I kind of have an example of that emotional receptivity. I live in the South, and even in sessions here, it’s very typical that you open with a tiny bit of chit chat. Every business meeting opens with a tiny little bit of chit chat. People are patting each other on the back. They’re sharing the scores of the games. They’re asking,
how the weekend was or the party was or something. And like when I first started working with you, G, you know, you when you open a business meeting, when we start to podcast, you’re all about business. It’s like, OK, let’s just do the thing. I’m like, whoa, where’s that little fluffy stuff that makes me feel warm and connected?
George (08:47.362)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (08:47.55)
Yeah, you’re like, I don’t got time for that. I gotta get down to business.
George (08:52.792)
Well, it’s, it’s not, it’s, it’s a trust too. And like, we have a friendship. We just went away. I don’t need to chit chat about, know, I saw you five days ago. Like you see a lot of men, don’t need to see each other for three months. And soon as they go, they’re just right back in the flow of everything. Right. They don’t feel the need to catch up and fill in all the details. And, know, I was listening to somebody speak and they’re like,
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:09.852)
Yeah, that is very true.
George (09:16.896)
Men are so macro, they’re focusing on big picture stuff where women are more micro and focusing on the details. And there’s just different emphasis on different.
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:23.23)
I don’t know about that. I saw that same clip. I don’t know if I could agree with that. But we can discuss politics later. If I asked you probably about game scores and politics, you might be more willing to chit chat with me, Yeah, yeah.
George (09:30.562)
We could, we…
George (09:34.957)
I’ll see you.
George (09:41.931)
But macro, yeah, the big picture stuff. If you want to ask about, you know, what’s Kathy wearing today, probably my brain would just kind of let go of some of those details. I can’t believe we went. just away. went into like this cool hotel and then we went to dinner afterwards. And, know, the couple we went was like, did you like that hotel? All these cool things. And and I was like, I think I liked it, but I couldn’t tell you any of those things.
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:48.753)
Oof.
George (10:09.292)
Cathy could actually say 20 different things she noticed in that hotel room. I couldn’t name one. Right. It was just a different level of presence around a lot of different things, which is why we need each other, right? Different blends, different elements.
Laurie Watson, PhD (10:20.35)
Well, she’s an artist. I mean, she’s an artist. She notices design and the way things go. don’t know that that’s a micro. You’re an art, you’re a there, you are, you have perfected the therapy art. How about that?
George (10:26.912)
I’m an artist too, in my own way. Thank you, Laurie.
George (10:36.662)
All right. Thank you. There’s some artists buried in there.
Laurie Watson, PhD (10:37.512)
Just not visual, not visual art. She’s, she like knows visual things. I mean, she can put together three things and they always look good. It’s like amazing. And she’s, I mean, she’s amazing. Okay, let’s not, let’s not chit chat anymore.
George (10:49.24)
But that, but that, again, it, that’s the chase in energy. That’s why she will initiate more conversations because she invests her life force in these things, right? Where I would be more receptive. If you point it out, I will enjoy it. I kind of like it, but I don’t have the same driving force that, know, and I think that’s the thing couples need to learn how to, how do we accept, we have different ways into connection. And just cause they’re not the same, doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t care as much.
Receptivity is a beautiful thing to do, right? I think we pathologize receptivity and I’m just trying to give some men listeners out there permission. It’s okay to not have the same need to do vulnerability as your partner. As long as when there are times you need to express who you are in these places and you can get your partner’s help, like that’s great. It’s if we never do it that we start running into problems.
Laurie Watson, PhD (11:41.96)
Yeah.
I would say though that my husband is receptive not just in terms of when I initiate emotional conversations, but he also receives my conversation. He creates a space for that. And I think that, yes, I have a lot of sexual drive inside and kind of an inner part of myself, this erotic core that sees the world in a more erotic way. But I also think that
George (11:57.315)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (12:12.996)
Relationally, being given that space really helps, you know, really helps because it keeps us on track emotionally as well for me to have that download.
George (12:23.692)
Yeah, absolutely. Well, let’s come back and let’s talk about how we can help couples talk about this difference in drives.
Laurie Watson, PhD (12:38.046)
So I want to say that I think one of the problems is that we have a meaning that we make up when our partner is receptive. I hear frequently that maybe men will say, my partner doesn’t think about sex, doesn’t think about my sexual needs, therefore doesn’t care about me. That’s the meaning that is made up in the sexual receptive partner’s way of being. And I think the same conversation happens
George (12:45.801)
Exactly.
George (12:59.032)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (13:07.078)
more with women, but certainly it goes back and forth with, you the sexes. But when a woman says, look at my partner never asked me about how I’m doing, or doesn’t ask me how the day went, or doesn’t start conversations about the big picture of our family problems and things, I feel like they don’t care about me. They don’t see me. I feel, you know, I make up a meaning that says they don’t care.
George (13:36.776)
Exactly. And how accurate is that?
Laurie Watson, PhD (13:40.838)
I think the meaning that we make up is almost always slanted. We have to discipline ourselves to make up correlating other meanings, maybe my partner’s preoccupied, maybe my partner’s tired, maybe my partner doesn’t have as much testosterone as I do, or whatever. We struggle to make up benign, positive meanings attributing that to our partner’s behavior. Typically, we make up a
that is going to throw us into a cycle, throw us into fight or flight, right? Because our brain is programmed to watch for danger, to watch for the potential for disconnection. That’s what we’re guarding against. So the meaning that we make up about our partner’s behaviors is frequently guarding against the fact that we may not be in tune.
George (14:20.258)
Yep.
George (14:34.222)
Yeah, that’s what Ryan Rainer calls the dam, the deadly attachment message. Like when we’re in threat, our brain goes to these deadly attachment messages. They’re not super accurate, but it shows how important disconnection is and what a threat disconnection is. Right. So trying to find a, you know, space to, gently challenge some of these, messages that we create. Our partner doesn’t care. Our partner doesn’t love us. A partner not attracted to us. Like,
This is the places we go and I don’t think that’s a super accurate kind of description of what actually receptivity is like. It’s just like this person, it’s not on their radar screen in the same way it’s on your radar screen. And actually when we understand receptivity better, that if it’s not on your radar screen,
and somebody’s kind of putting it front and center and you’re pivoting and trying to kind of meet them in that place, even though it’s not coming from you. Like that’s a lot of work and it’s pretty impressive.
Laurie Watson, PhD (15:41.082)
It is. It’s a lot of work. I think that sort of making peace with the fact that, okay, this is a place that I’m going to have to initiate by and large. It doesn’t mean that sometimes it’s not human to want your partner to show their sexual desire for you. We all want to be desired.
George (16:01.132)
more balanced, the better. Yeah. We all want our partners some of the time to initiate, but it’s never going to be 50 50.
Laurie Watson, PhD (16:06.596)
And same emotionally. Yeah, same emotionally. If you’re married to somebody who is kind of an emotional withdraw and you bear the load of bringing up conversations, some of the time you’re gonna want them to look at the whole picture and say, hey, let’s have a meeting. Let’s talk about where we’re at relationally. What’s going on with us?
George (16:31.106)
Last night was a perfect example. I had been away doing a lot of training. I come back, got all couples waiting for me. I have an exhausting day. We have a nice dinner. I’m ready to crash and watch a nice show. There’s no need for me to connect on any deep, vulnerable level or any conversations. I’m good and I just want to kind of veg out. My wife has a conversation.
Laurie Watson, PhD (16:53.438)
It’s not the day that your wife has to initiate sexually so she can get a no. She can score a point and get a no.
George (17:00.738)
where I might find some energy for that, but you know, when she has a conversation with her mother and, know, afterwards she’s going to need to decompress. And that’s a good thing that she wants that, right? She, she kind of has a frustrating encounter and she wants her partner to co-regulate. So she has somewhere to go because she can’t go there with her mother. Right. That is me having to then be receptive. I don’t have the same need.
to have this conversation, but my partner does. So I got to find something in myself that can give her the space to give her what she’s looking for. And in a genuine way that says, I do know how that sucks. And, and, and, know, to find connection in that. Right. So I don’t think that I don’t know how many men actually that receptivity is appreciated.
instead of it’s always pathologized, right? Because they’re not initiating these conversations. Do you think there is appreciation for that receptivity in the emotional side?
Laurie Watson, PhD (17:58.568)
Well, I mean, I just said I appreciate my husband in that way. yeah, I think that it’s both ways, right? I think that framing it as a partner who has a more receptive style, that they need to be cute, they need to be…
invited into conversation versus them being initiating. you maybe they don’t, maybe you didn’t come home and say, yeah, I remember my wife had a call with her mother. got to check in on that.
You know, a lot of girlfriends, think, like you were talking about how men friends can just pick up where they left off and there’s no need for this reconnect. And I do have some girlfriends like that. I will say we pick up where we left off. But on the other hand, a lot of times there’s…
In the early conversation, there’s this chit chat, kind of getting to know each other again, lubricating the conversation. I think more as girlfriends, we do a lot of that than maybe men need to do. And again, it’s just.
George (19:08.59)
Yeah, and we’re not limited to gender, obviously. You know, you have a gay couple, you have a lot of heterosexual couples that switch roles. I mean, there’s a lot of combinations, right? And there is always somebody who tends to initiate more and the other’s a little bit more receptive. And we’re just trying to provide a little bit more context for that, where both styles have…
Laurie Watson, PhD (19:19.346)
You are a gay couple. Yeah.
George (19:33.687)
values, you know, they have challenges, but you know, as somebody who’s receptive, can you appreciate the partners initiating that’s fighting for connection instead of just kind of letting it go? Like I think that’s really important. But what we’re trying to say with receptivity is that there’s something really beautiful when it’s not the priority on your radar screen and you’re willing to adjust because your partner means so much to you, right? That’s not an easy move to do. And, you know, it’s still
Laurie Watson, PhD (19:58.366)
you
either sexually or emotionally. It’s not an easy move to do.
George (20:04.556)
Yeah. And it’s if, if you do that, that’s just because you care so much. That’s why the deadly attachment message that you don’t care because you don’t initiate doesn’t really capture the essence of what, these partners are trying to do.
Laurie Watson, PhD (20:18.76)
Yeah, it doesn’t capture their willingness to enter the experience, either sexually or emotionally, right? okay, they didn’t think to initiate. The deadly attachment message is they don’t care, and that feels like a bad rap to the person who’s more, you know, it’s just not something that is in the forefront of my mind. Doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be willing to talk with you or willing to have sex with you. Yeah.
George (20:44.93)
Yep, exactly. listen, one of the main missions of this podcast is to get people who are more receptive to try to fight a little bit more for their own need for vulnerability or sexuality so they can, you know, come from a place of chasing it and wanting it too for themselves, not as always something to respond to that partner. So we’re, we’re trying to work on both. Like how do you get better at wanting a little bit more for yourself, not always doing it for your partner, but
also appreciating that receptivity that is willing to do it for you. They’re both beautiful to me. It just gives us more options, more balance.
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:20.38)
Yeah. So you see yourself more receptive emotionally and maybe your partner Cathy more receptive sexually. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. And
George (21:32.022)
And we go through stages where things might shift in that, but things are going on stressful at work and I might initiate more of those vulnerable conversations. But yeah, I think generally that would be accurate.
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:45.532)
I think the more secure people are in their partnership, the more they bounce back and forth. They feel, yeah, definitely. So how can we help the emotional, receptive person and their partner? Because this is the new concept that we’re introducing to think about this. What are our takeaways?
George (22:10.732)
I think even having a conversation listening to this podcast to stand up a little bit more and not have to always apologize because you don’t have the same need as your partner to be able to say, you know, it’s OK. We have different levels. I find it more through the sexual conversation. I’m working on also finding it in the emotional conversation, you know, but just because we’re not 50 50 doesn’t mean I don’t care. Right. It just.
were made differently, which is really kind of beautiful.
Laurie Watson, PhD (22:42.31)
And what I just heard is when you say the emotional receptive person to stand up more, basically you’re calling them to initiate this particular conversation. You’re calling them to say, hey, it would be great if you said to your partner, you know, I’ve noticed something. You’re more receptive sexually. You kind of wait for me to initiate. And then oftentimes you’re willing. And I kind of wait for you to initiate emotional conversations or daily downloads. And then I…
George (22:54.05)
Yep.
Laurie Watson, PhD (23:12.224)
I also try to be receptive to that and bring myself to be with you and to share with you. And I’m just noticing that we’re both receptive and I want you to know that just because I’m not initiating emotional conversations doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I really do. You’re really important to me. Right?
George (23:30.934)
Yeah. And also because there’s, if we switch roles, we see more common ground. We also can be curious about times when we step out of that. Like, so when I do initiate emotionally, what is that like for me? And what is it like for Kathy? You know, is, that a win for us? And if it is, why would I not try to grow that and do more of that? Right. And a lot of times it’s exactly.
Laurie Watson, PhD (23:53.702)
And same sexually. know, if a woman, like I try to counsel women, I hear that they have desire twice a month, twice a month. And I’m like, that’s okay. Because if I could get the woman to initiate two times a month to send a sexy text or to grab their partner and say, you know, I got it going on, let’s go to bed, twice a month would be amazing.
George (24:22.381)
Yeah.
Laurie Watson, PhD (24:22.652)
you know, to be initiated for. yeah, I mean, I’ll bet you that would win. I’ll bet you that would win.
George (24:25.314)
So is that the number for men in the vulnerable conversations twice a month?
George (24:32.622)
Yeah. I love that, that those being curious about those two times a month when your heart actually wanted something, it didn’t want to be alone with a struggle that it tapped into that longing that said, Hey, you know, yeah, how could not grow in that create more safety in a relationship?
Laurie Watson, PhD (24:52.262)
yeah, I had, I’m gonna end on this, I had an emotional withdraw say that very thing this week. He said, I felt this thing and I didn’t really like that I felt this thing. I felt ashamed of feeling it and I didn’t wanna be alone with it so I wanted to bring it home to my partner.
And I’m like, my gosh, just the beautiful vulnerability in that, the initiation, the sense of their growing security and safety. I was literally moved to tears. It was just so beautiful.
George (25:26.922)
It is beautiful. know, and again, a lot of men do this work. know firefighters, know, police officers, doctors, like when they’re struggling, they want to turn to somebody else that seems to understand that to debrief, to go in. That’s the same version. Like we do these things more often than we realize. Right. It’s the human way to not want to be alone and struggle with, with, with fears and threats and hurts. That’s not a sign of weakness. That’s our greatest strength. As long as the person is safe.
and the timing is right, why not do it?
Laurie Watson, PhD (25:59.198)
Yeah, yeah, and of course we know there are female firefighters, police officers, and doctors, but we appreciate you listening and thanks so much. If you’re a receiver, our challenge this week is to bring forward one conversation, the particular conversation that we’ve talked about, so that you bring awareness to your partner about your own receptive style emotionally.
George (26:03.918)
Yeah, absolutely.
George (26:26.635)
Sounds good to me. Keep it hot y’all.
