We are all deserving of touch. It awakens the senses, provides comfort, reassurance and then as adults pleasure. In today’s episode, our hosts open up a conversation about your relationship with touch. Did you grow up in a household where physical affection was withheld, conditional, unsafe or just not available? If so, you may be suffering from touch neglect.
This can show up in the sexual cycle as anxiety, discomfort or full on avoidance at even the thought of touch. This episode will help you understand the power or touch, how neglect shows up in adult relationships and how to begin a safe conversation with your partner describing your needs. And yes, we ALL have needs related to touch!
The great news also, is that with safety, and vulnerability these needs can be expressed in your adult relationships and you can begin to feel more comfort around touch and go from neglected needs to needs met. You deserve it!
Please support this episode’s sponsor (and help the pod!):
Addyi.com — the only FDA-approved treatment for certain women with low libido!
Transcript
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Announcement [00:01:52]:
The following content is not suitable for children. Let’s talk about neglect the things we don’t get in childhood that influence what we do today.
Laurie Watson [00:02:02]:
Absolutely.
Laurie Watson [00:02:05]:
Welcome to Foreplay sex therapy. I’m Dr. Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.
George Faller [00:02:10]:
And I’m George Faller, your couples therapist.
Laurie Watson [00:02:12]:
We are here to talk about sex.
George Faller [00:02:14]:
Our mission is to help couples talk about sex in ways that incorporate their body, their mind and their hearts.
Laurie Watson [00:02:22]:
And we have a little bit of fun doing it right g listen and.
George Faller [00:02:26]:
Let’S change some relationships.
Laurie Watson [00:02:28]:
You know George, I see this problem as so ubiquitous with sexual withdrawals that many times the root of it comes from their childhood that they were not touched enough. And I like what you’ve said in the past about this, that they don’t have neural pathways where touch is something that they allow themselves to long for they do need it. And of course, in adult romantic relationship, touch is often transformed into erotic connection. But that’s why they block that, is because it’s so scary to think about needing and wanting something that didn’t come as a child and when they were desperate for it and when that would have made the difference between surviving and thriving. Right. The touch and affection that we need in childhood and it didn’t come. And so their survival mechanism is to have this like armor on that says, I just won’t need it, I’ll be self sufficient.
George Faller [00:03:30]:
Yeah. I think we do a lot of this around the emotional cycle. Like we assess when you were younger, how did your family do emotions? Did you do vulnerability? You know, when you scared, where’d you turn towards? Well, there. Trauma, like.
Laurie Watson [00:03:43]:
Yeah.
George Faller [00:03:43]:
And I think this is another area Laurie emphasizes that’s really important because a lot of this is non verbal.
George Faller [00:04:16]:
Like that not knowing is usually a label for this part of them never really develop. It’s not their fault. George, I have no idea.
George Faller [00:04:48]:
And you emphasize this so much with, with touch, which I think is so critical.
Laurie Watson [00:04:53]:
I don’t know how I like to be touched, because I can’t even imagine the kinds of touches that would be soft and turn me on and excite my body.
Laurie Watson [00:06:04]:
It’s like an ocean of tears that I’m holding back by just putting my finger in this, blocking it a little bit. Because if I let go and think about all this that I didn’t have as a child when I needed it, when it was developmentally essential to me, I’m going to drown in this ocean of tears.
George Faller [00:06:24]:
And that image.
George Faller [00:06:28]:
It becomes really unconscious. People don’t know they’re holding something back. It’s not like, oh, if I let this go, that all this is going to come out. They don’t know what would come out because they’ve gotten so numb to just keeping it at bay, you know?
Laurie Watson [00:06:42]:
So true.
George Faller [00:06:43]:
When you ask somebody, you know, how what did you like being touched as a kid? And you just look at them, they look up at you in this blank face and be like, you know, I don’t remember touch at all.
George Faller [00:07:23]:
But that I never met somebody who doesn’t want touch, who doesn’t have a history of not getting touch.
Laurie Watson [00:07:29]:
Exactly.
George Faller [00:07:30]:
Or they’ve had really bad touch, Right. Some trauma touch or.
Laurie Watson [00:07:35]:
Exactly. And I, you know, I’m with a baby a lot right now with my grandchild, and, you know, I see the deep importance of how touch connects him. It soothes him, it comforts him, it excites him. You know, we tickle him, we swoop him down a slide. All of these Things, you know, sometimes I put him on a blanket and I drag him through the house and you know, all of that is sensation, right? I’m holding him, producing touch in different ways and having him experience kind of different sensation. And I mean, it builds his brain in so many positive ways. You know, like people are reliable. Not only are people reliable for comfort, but they’re exciting.
Laurie Watson [00:08:27]:
I want to give things that people really love, beautiful, timeless pieces that they’ll wear for years. I am just struck by the enormity of the ways we touch him and hold him and the constancy of that. And I’m thinking of a client who told me, you know, the only time my mother touched me was to cut my fingernails. They came from a child of a family of eight children and you know, there just wasn’t time and space to be held and things like that. And I really do think my mother had a lot of problems. She did put me to bed every night when I was a child and rubbed my back, sang to me, cuddled me in the dark, I mean, and you know, I could run to my mother and get a hug anytime I wanted. And I remember sitting on her lap a lot and you know, so she was really good about affection. And I think that helped even in the midst of a difficult childhood, to kind of build a basis of trust in the body, you know, that the body was a sure pathway when it comes to holiday gifting. I want to give things that people really love, beautiful, timeless pieces that they’ll wear for years.
Laurie Watson [00:08:58]:
I am just struck by the enormity of the ways we touch him and hold him and the constancy of that. And I’m thinking of a client who told me, you know, the only time my mother touched me was to cut my fingernails. They came from a child of a family of eight children and you know, there just wasn’t time and space to be held and things like that. And I really do think my mother had a lot of problems. She did put me to bed every night when I was a child and rubbed my back, sang to me, cuddled me in the dark, I mean, and you know, I could run to my mother and get a hug anytime I wanted. And I remember sitting on her lap a lot and you know, so she was really good about affection. And I think that helped even in the midst of a difficult childhood, to kind of build a basis of trust in the body, you know, that the body was a sure pathway when it comes to holiday gifting. I want to give things that people really love, beautiful, timeless pieces that they’ll wear for years.
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Laurie Watson [00:11:14]:
Foreplay.
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George Faller [00:11:45]:
I like that you’re describing different types of touch. You know, a lot of touch is for comfort, right? And reassurance. We’re feeling anxious or afraid, and that’s really important touch. But there’s another type of touch that really is for pleasure. It’s for fun. I love the story with your grandson as you’re like teaching him, oh, when you rub this cheek and you kick your foot, I bite your foot. And it’s like it’s a game that really teaches the body. Like it’s, it’s, it’s a beautiful thing and it’s a fun thing and it makes your life better when you engage in a more physical way.
George Faller [00:12:18]:
I’ve never met a parent who’s not touchy feely because they didn’t get it as a kid. So we just keep passing this thing on. We’re not trying to blame anybody for the environment that they were brought up in. But, you know, so often the people I’m working with, once we identify there’s been a neglect of touch, right? It’s like you don’t want to blame them for not knowing how to do that, right? Give them the permission to not know. And then if they want to, though, the good news is you can learn. You can teach your body.
George Faller [00:12:50]:
It’s a little harder 50 years later, but you know, that longing has always been inside you. Your body has always wanted it. And don’t limit this to the just the bedroom. I mean, It’s. Your examples were great because so many of them are happening outside. Like, hold my hand, we’re watching a show, or we walk by the kitchen and we rub shoulders and I kiss goodbye. There’s so many forms of touch that can give pleasure that don’t have to be sexual.
Laurie Watson [00:13:15]:
Yeah, yeah. And all of those things, especially if you’re with a partner who was deprived and neglected of touch in childhood. Copious amounts of affection are very healing. I mean, certainly you want them to be responsive sexually and to be able to enter that adult playground of erotic touch. But many times they need lots and lots more touch. And what I have seen is they often kind of brush it off in the beginning. They can’t relax even in affectional touch. It’s like they’re not yet safe enough to take that in.
Laurie Watson [00:13:53]:
So they need that stroke when you go by, like the hair rub, the quick squeeze in the morning. Just all of those things build this foundation that says we are physical.
George Faller [00:14:08]:
Yeah. I saw this with my father. He did not receive touch. Right. So he didn’t really know how to do it. He had eight kids and he would have awkward hugs. We knew he loved us, but touch was hard for him. And yet he got another chance being a grandfather.
George Faller [00:14:23]:
Right. And he just was fantastic. Which is the kids would sit on his lap, read a book, lay on his chest to fall asleep. I mean, he loved the touch was so healing with the grandkids.
Laurie Watson [00:14:34]:
Right? Yes. Yes. I gotta say, as a grandparent, there are so many second chances. So many second chances that I feel in my soul. For me, as a grandparent to the do overs.
Laurie Watson [00:14:53]:
And when you say, George, that the body lives outside of time, it’s so true in that relationship, it is so reparative.
George Faller [00:15:15]:
Well, that’s the good news here. There’s the hope in that, too, that just because you didn’t receive it, doesn’t mean you can’t learn to receive it and learn to give it and learn to get the pleasure and the reassurance that only touch can give in certain ways.
Laurie Watson [00:15:30]:
Yeah.
George Faller [00:15:30]:
So let’s. Let’s come back and get into how we can help people develop this side of themselves.
Laurie Watson [00:15:41]:
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Laurie Watson [00:17:32]:
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Laurie Watson [00:17:38]:
So one of the things that I ask people who have been deprived of touch and who kind of shy away from touch, maybe shy away from sex and also just shy away from affection.
Laurie Watson [00:17:54]:
Maybe they can give their children affection, but they’re they’re less likely to give their partner affection or even to receive. That is, you know, we really think together about things that they might enjoy. I remember talking to one woman and she said, you know she didn’t like hugs. She didn’t like her back rub. She didn’t like anything. But she said finally that she thought she might like her hair brushed.
Laurie Watson [00:18:21]:
And that she could imagine, you know, sitting in front of a fire and having her partner brush her hair gently. And, you know, you can imagine, right. Maybe as a child she wasn’t touched affectionately, but maybe her mother did comb her hair, brush her hair or something. And so that was a safe place. And so I encouraged her partner. It’s like, do that. I mean, that’s a green light. You just got a green light to touch your partner.
Laurie Watson [00:18:48]:
Maybe it’s not what you want yet, but the more you can teach her body that it’s safe to relax with you touching her. It’s like you’re training new neural pathways to say, touch is good. I can be relaxed here. I can be safe. And it’s a bridge. You know, maybe it takes six months. I’m telling you, six months is an investment that is worth it to get to eventual safety in sexual touch. You know, whatever you got, you capitalize on it.
George Faller [00:19:19]:
Yeah. It reminds me of what we talked about in a different episode. Trying to catch glimmers, right? Trying to catch these little bubbles of the body that although well defended to not want to need. It’s always needing at some point, right? And in the way that person wants. I mean, I always feel bad for a lot of women that I work with that didn’t get touch, you know, in their childhood. And then, you know, sexual touch is something that feels like it’s taking from them. And, you know, the kids are taking from them. Touch is always something they got to give.
George Faller [00:19:49]:
You know, you got to have energy to give to people all the time. And so often they don’t really know the receiving of touch that actually their body can replenish, right. And kind of fill up that tank. And so I love this idea of looking for little glimmers, like, what are, you know, this lady that never liked to be. To be touched. But, you know, when her husband was standing by a fireplace, she would describe it. She would just come stand alongside of him, him and gently lean her head on his chest.
George Faller [00:20:19]:
And she would just do that as they both just felt the warmth of the fireplace, which is touch, right? And her body just felt kind of gratitude for their relationship. And she didn’t want big, you know, big touches, but just that little subtle touch. She enjoyed listening to his chest and feeling that as she felt the warmth. And it was like. So when she described that to me, I was like, also, you do like touch, don’t you? It’s just got to be in the right circumstances, right? And trying to grow that part of her. I think people out of neglect have to recognize that the times they do want it, how do they grow that in themselves?
Laurie Watson [00:21:02]:
So true. You know, and what’s beautiful about that example is that she was the one who initiated coming gently to her husband, laying her head on his chest. Both of them sort of quietly, sensitively, feeling the warmth of the fire, being present with each other. I mean, that makes me want to cry. That is so beautiful. In terms of a withdrawing person who didn’t get touch in childhood, taking a really big risk, you know, this is what I need. This is what I like. This is where I am.
Laurie Watson [00:21:39]:
And she’s trusting him to respond in a way that is gentle and sensitive. And it sounds like he did, you know, like, wow, what attunement. What a beautiful example, George.
George Faller [00:21:53]:
Well, it’s. He used to do it differently. I think he would want to be like, hey, get over here. Then he’d, like, smother her with arms and legs and. And kisses and hugs and squeeze and tight. And, like, it’s just overwhelming for a person who’s just not used to touch, right? And then she’d pull away and reject him, and he’d get angry at her. She’d feel a pressure. I mean, they had tons of misses.
George Faller [00:22:14]:
But I. Again, I think that’s the work. It’s like trying to slow it down. His curiosity of saying, hey, wait, it’s not her fault. She’s had neglect. I come on a little bit too strong. Not my fault. I had healthy touch.
George Faller [00:22:27]:
So I want good stuff. And I’m with somebody who didn’t get that. So I need to help her with that. And the best way of helping her is to PA this at a way that we could follow some of her lead, right? So once he started to get that concept right, it became a lot easier. Like, when she came over, he wanted to grab her and swoop her right up. But he’s able to kind of calm his own nervous system to say, let’s just see what happens. Right? So it’s. It’s a dance.
Laurie Watson [00:22:51]:
I love. I love that. That’s so beautiful. I. I think that we should offer a special to. To men who need to learn how to touch, like watching a George Fowler film. I was with you guys in Nashville, and I was observing the way you touch Kathy. I mean, you really are a gentle, good toucher.
Laurie Watson [00:23:14]:
Just, you know, when I was Watching, I was like, wow, this is. He’s really honed in on ways to touch his wife that I think are beautiful. Like, you come up very gently behind her, slip your arms around her, pull her in kind of softly and gently. You know, you kind of do these little, you know, just sort of gentle touches, vaguely sexual, like maybe you pat her thigh when you’re going by or something. And I was like, george, we need to put this on film. We need to put this on film. And, like, this is. This is great touching, you know, because I really saw, you know, and I also saw, I think, your wife, you know, not like, big excitement, but there was.
Laurie Watson [00:23:56]:
What I sensed in her was safety. Like, one of the things I picture in my mind of the two of you is we were in a bar in Nashville, and you came up behind her very softly put your arms around her, and I saw her almost imperceptibly lean back against you, and it was like, wow, these people are in tune. And I really think. I think you’re good at it. I think this guy needed to learn lessons from you. Like, can we just, like, put this on film? And then that’ll be part of our little selling point for foreplay. We can. We can sell these films.
Laurie Watson [00:24:29]:
This is how you touch. This is how you touch.
George Faller [00:24:32]:
Well, again, if you’re a good toucher or a bad toucher, it’s really not your fault, right. It’s the gifts that you were given. I grew up in a very crazy eight kids, dysfunctional, fighting, madness. But there was a lot of healthy touch, you know, from siblings and, you know, my mother was overcompensated for my father. So, you know, when your body learns, you get all those reps, I just feel sad for people who don’t, and somehow they get blamed, like there’s something wrong with them, and they start to believe there’s something wrong with them when it’s just neglect. If we could identify, hey, you just didn’t get enough of something. Yeah, we could start giving that thing. And I think the pacing is really important, especially when we start to get into the sexual realm.
George Faller [00:25:14]:
Right. It’s like that person who wants to pursue just. Just is too intense for a person who’s, you know, disconnected from their body. So really trying to. To kind of attune is the word you were using. It’s, you know, and it’s. It’s. It’s hard work sometimes.
Laurie Watson [00:25:33]:
Yeah, I agree.
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Laurie Watson [00:26:35]:
And I think that in our culture, men are often given the message, right, that sexual touch is okay. They don’t necessarily access, even in themselves, their need for affectional touch or their ability to give that, you know, they kind of focus on, you know, my goal is to get sex. So they think about giving sexual touch and they don’t kind of wrap it enough in.
Laurie Watson [00:27:07]:
Affection. And I also, I wanted to say something. We have talked more about women having this neglect wound. And I think the reason we see it more in women is because men, you know, get a second chance in life when they hit puberty. Testosterone hits their bodies and drives them to sexuality. And so they do have this second awakening of their need for touch, their need for physical connection, which is actually very healing if they came from a background of neglect in terms of touch. So they do get this blessing in life with that, a driver. And women don’t necessarily get the same driver hormonally.
Laurie Watson [00:27:53]:
So they might not rediscover how good touch is, how much pleasure there is, how much play and fun there is in it.
George Faller [00:28:03]:
A lot of wisdom in that second chance through testosterone. But I think life gives us lots of opportunities. I think women, when they give birth, that’s a great opportunity for touch. When you got a breastfeed and comfort. You know, a lot of women who had neglect can kind of rediscover that through. You know, I think a lot of men who’ve never been touches are amazing touches with their children, so it gives them a second chance. We’re talking about grandparents, a third chance. We get a lot of chances, says, wait A second.
George Faller [00:28:33]:
There’s some good stuff here. I know you haven’t had this before, but, you know, maybe you want to give this a shot, right?
Laurie Watson [00:28:40]:
And. And I think what you’re saying is, is so true that oftentimes the universe does line up for us in ways that we have many chances. I mean, getting married is a chance, right? When we’re married and our partner wants more sexual touch, it’s actually an opportunity, you know, to receive touch in ways that give us pleasure, orgasm, you know, safety. I mean, there are many chances in life. So I agree with you. It’s not just men who get that second chance.
George Faller [00:29:14]:
But isn’t that evidence, right? Isn’t it evidence where the uterus keeps giving you more and more chances that say, hey, this is where we should be? We were made for this, right? We would. If we’re emotional creatures, we’re made to be in relationship, to bond. This is how humans bond, right? So again, still just limit it to sex. I mean, I love. I don’t see the guys in a firehouse for 20 years. When I see him, you’re gonna get that big hug. It’s just like, oh, man, we’ve been to war together. Like, it’s great to see you like that.
George Faller [00:29:43]:
That physical communication is. Is probably more important than any of the words that we’re sharing.
Laurie Watson [00:29:48]:
So true. So true. It’s. That’s. That’s a beautiful thing.
George Faller [00:29:54]:
It’s a beautiful thing, and I think we all deserve that. So hopefully those of you who listen and that you identify, hey, maybe I have had some neglect or maybe, you know, my partner has had some neglect. Have some grace, right? They. They have, you know, they haven’t been dealt the. The most fair cards in that category. Right. And they’re resilient to be able to kind of not need it so much. When you don’t get it, don’t blame them for it.
George Faller [00:30:18]:
I know it’s frustrating when you’re with somebody who’s kind of reject your touch all the time, but they have really good reasons. And there’s always glimmers there. There’s always opportunities. If we can give their body what it always is needed, they’ll come around.
Laurie Watson [00:30:32]:
Yeah, exactly. And it’s a triumph when people can overcome it in one place, which, you know, that’s contagious. It can spread to the rest of their life. And I just noticed that you said, you know, women who were neglected in childhood but then are great mothers. You know, they hold their babies, they nurse their babies, they comfort their children. You know, Sometimes their partners are saying like, why can you do that with the kids and not with me? But it’s like, that’s the glimmer. We need to celebrate them. We need to give them success and say, look at how beautiful you are with our children.
Laurie Watson [00:31:06]:
You are loving and affectionate. You’ve given them a gift that you didn’t get. I just honor that. I celebrate that. That’s beautiful. It’s the, you know, it’s the side that maybe stroking that verbally and encouraging that, you know, does give them credit. And then they feel safer and maybe they feel safer emotionally and so they are able to be safer physically back to their partner eventually. I think we have to remember we’re in process and it would be wonderful if we married whole people and we were whole people when we married and I certainly wasn’t, you know, but I’ve grown a lot as a partner.
George Faller [00:31:49]:
That’d be pretty boring if we were all whole anyway, so here’s to the messiness in life.
Laurie Watson [00:31:54]:
Thanks for listening.
George Faller [00:31:56]:
Get the touch you deserve.
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Laurie Watson [00:32:20]:
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