In this episode, we dive into the psychology of “the ick”, that unsettling feeling when sudden attraction shifts to repulsion. In the Psychology Today article, The “Ick” Factor: The Science Behind Sudden Attraction Shifts, author Gary Lewandowski shared insights from the social media trend and George and Laurie break them down.
We explore why seemingly small, annoying behavior can cause this drastic turn-off. We discuss why sometimes this can lead to breakups after just one unpleasant moment and better ways to communicate about the icks. We also touch on those that stand out for men and women and what gives our hosts the ick.
Whether it’s a behavior that’s just too irritating or something that triggers deeper instincts, this episode shares the science behind why we suddenly can’t stand the person we were once so attracted to. Join us to find out what causes the ick and why it’s more common than you might think!
Transcript
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George Faller [00:01:54]:
The dreaded ick Factor Laurie oh no.
Laurie Watson [00:01:59]:
That is such an icky feeling. Let’s talk about what it means to a relationship.
Laurie Watson [00:02:07]:
Welcome to Foreplay sex therapy. I’m Dr. Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.
George Faller [00:02:11]:
And I’m George Faller, your couples therapist.
Laurie Watson [00:02:14]:
We are here to talk about sex.
George Faller [00:02:16]:
Our mission is to help couples talk about sex in ways that incorporate their body, their mind, and their hearts.
Laurie Watson [00:02:24]:
And we have a little bit of.
Advertisement Speaker [00:02:25]:
Fun doing it right G Listen, and.
George Faller [00:02:27]:
Let’S change some relationships. All right, so here we are. Laurie is a little under the weather. She’s a trooper. She’s dedicated. Let nothing deter you from the mission of this podcast.
Laurie Watson [00:02:38]:
That is so right. George told me I. I looked as good as I feel this morning.
George Faller [00:02:43]:
So get yourself out of bed and just get up and do it. All right?
Laurie Watson [00:02:47]:
That’s right.
George Faller [00:02:48]:
She’s a trooper. We appreciate your dedication and professionalism, Laurie.
Laurie Watson [00:02:54]:
Here we go.
George Faller [00:02:55]:
Well, maybe it’s a perfect time to talk about the ick factor. She’s sitting here sick, coughing, feeling nauseous.
Laurie Watson [00:03:02]:
Ah, that is so true. Does it ick you out?
George Faller [00:03:06]:
I’m far away from you, so I just have empathy, that’s all.
Laurie Watson [00:03:10]:
I know. Last time I was sick, I was near you and Kathy, and I did not get you sick, Right?
George Faller [00:03:16]:
Not yet. So don’t shoot it through the Internet towards me.
Laurie Watson [00:03:20]:
Well, you know, my magic powers.
George Faller [00:03:23]:
Everyone’s sick today.
Laurie Watson [00:03:24]:
Yeah. Yep.
George Faller [00:03:26]:
Yeah, I mean, I always thought, and Laurie talks a lot about this, that usually when this ick factor shows up, it’s a bad sign for a relationship. Right. When something disgusts you or grosses you out, like when the body has that kind of strong response, you know, hard to have sex, hard to cuddle up. Want to be romantic when that thing is blocking you. So that’s often a really bad sign in a relationship.
Laurie Watson [00:03:30]:
Gary Lewandowski on Psychology Today. The ick factor, the science behind sudden attraction shifts.
George Faller [00:03:37]:
Yeah, I mean, I always thought, and Lori talks a lot about this, that usually when this ick factor shows up, it’s a bad sign for a relationship. Right. When something disgusts you or grosses you out, like when the body has that kind of strong response, you know, hard to have sex, hard to cuddle up. Want to be romantic when that thing is blocking you. So that’s often a really bad sign in a relationship.
Laurie Watson [00:04:00]:
It definitely can be. A lot of people have that ick factor over sexual stuff. Like. Yeah, smells, tastes. Sounds.
George Faller [00:04:10]:
Well, I found really refreshing about what he wrote is like, I often think about the ick factor as something physiological, like you have bad breath or bad odors or something like just is not attractive to my body. Right. But he actually, his research is saying that actually it’s not as much the physical. It’s more personality and behavior. Things that cause the ick factor.
Laurie Watson [00:04:36]:
Yeah. Something that somebody does.
George Faller [00:04:39]:
Yeah. So you want to go through the list of what some women often complain about and what men complain about. You want to do the women?
Laurie Watson [00:04:47]:
Sure. Okay. So a woman’s ick would be a guy who is too feminine. Like, he laid his head on my shoulder. I. I gotta say, I. I heard a female relative talk about this, that she doesn’t like it when her partner kind of lays his head on her shoulder and sort of, I don’t know, acts a little feminine, that it’s a turn off. So I kind of get that.
George Faller [00:05:16]:
Wonder why us men are confused. We’re pushed to be vulnerable. Then when we’re vulnerable, it’s not attractive. I mean, what the hell, Laurie?
Laurie Watson [00:05:23]:
You just can’t win for losing.
George Faller [00:05:24]:
You can’t win.
Laurie Watson [00:05:26]:
And then publicly embarrassing. Oh, yeah, Annoying speech. So I was with old friends and we were talking about the people we used to date and stuff, and I did date somebody who was rather publicly embarrassing. He used to ask questions in our large group that usually had already been answered, and I would just cringe a little bit. Oof. But that I wish I had. That had deterred me a little earlier.
Laurie Watson [00:05:55]:
Annoying speech. Saying like. This is an example that he gives saying like, wow, without me, you know, whenever he. This person would do something independently, you know, kind of jabbing and saying something that would be annoying. More than just annoying speech, though, right? It would be kind of pursuit jealous, something like that. Fashion faux pas.
George Faller [00:06:21]:
Oh, this is one. I’m probably.
Laurie Watson [00:06:23]:
Oh, man.
George Faller [00:06:24]:
Icking my wife sometimes. Unless she packs my clothes. It’s. Yeah, bad shoes. That was Lori telling me at a training, yeah, you’re looking great, except for those shoes. Hint, hint, hint, hint.
Laurie Watson [00:06:37]:
Misogistic. So, yeah, if you know somebody. If a man speaks badly about another woman or acts like, you know, somehow or another women are not his equal, that. That would be a massive turnoff for sure.
Laurie Watson [00:06:56]:
Other things, like the sound of his feet slapping the floor or overly focused on social media, like he posted polls to his Instagram story, his physical appearance, you know, maybe showing parts of his butt crack when he bends over. Yeah, that. That probably would bug a lot of people.
George Faller [00:07:17]:
It’s pretty. He has some stats here where, like, being too feminine is A. Over 40% of women responding found that as a turnoff where the physical appearance only got 6%.
Laurie Watson [00:07:31]:
Yeah.
George Faller [00:07:32]:
What do you think of that, Laurie?
Laurie Watson [00:07:33]:
Yeah, that’s kind of surprising to me, actually.
George Faller [00:07:36]:
Very surprising to me.
Laurie Watson [00:07:38]:
I’m shocked a little bit. And I’m so glad you’re bringing in the numbers chi. Yeah. Too feminine. I guess there’s this primitive part of us, right. We want a man to take charge, protect us, something. Maybe that’s what happens. It’s some sort of evolutionary part of us that says this.
Laurie Watson [00:07:58]:
This guy won’t be able to do that. I don’t know. What do you think?
George Faller [00:08:03]:
Yeah, I think it’s something.
George Faller [00:08:06]:
Attractive about strength and decisiveness and confidence and, you know, making it could annoy you too. Right. It’s too bossy and misogynistic. You know, so that’s the other side of it. But in balance, you know, you’re attracted to something confident. And, I mean, I seen thousands of women in couples therapy and stuff that love their men’s vulnerability. Right. But I Think it’s absolutely.
George Faller [00:08:31]:
The timing has to be right for vulnerability. And because you’re vulnerable doesn’t mean you can’t be manly as strong or confident. I mean it’s not either or, it’s and both. But I think, you know, when, when women don’t see the strength with the vulnerability, then it becomes a turn off.
Laurie Watson [00:08:47]:
Right?
George Faller [00:08:48]:
You need both, right?
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George Faller [00:10:06]:
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Laurie Watson [00:10:37]:
Okay, give us the men’s ick.
Laurie Watson [00:10:41]:
What do you think?
George Faller [00:10:44]:
Well, the first one is being overly trendy, right? So being into whatever the fashion of astrology today you’re into, you know, eating.
George Faller [00:10:58]:
Eggs without, who knows, whatever the trends are, Right. I think there’s something about that for men that it doesn’t feel down to earth. It doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t feel authentic. It feels like, you know, you don’t know who this person is. They’re constantly changing like the wind. And you know, that, that, that can be a big turn off right from the get go.
Laurie Watson [00:11:17]:
Feels capricious. Right.
George Faller [00:11:19]:
I think publicly embarrassment is public embarrassment’s the next one. So they have an example here of girls tripping or being goofy or dumb. Blonde or, you know, easy on that blonde stuff. This is not stuff from us. So please don’t throw send us hate emails. This is just that we’re reading the research. This is what people have said. So, you know, it’s not.
George Faller [00:11:45]:
My wife is blonde and she’s the smartest person I know. So absolutely, we’re refuting that myth. But, you know, there is something about that. Oh, I don’t know. That. That kind of, you know, attitud attitude that is going to be a turn off for a lot of men.
Laurie Watson [00:11:59]:
Certainly a woman acting dumb, I would imagine, is a turn off. But yeah, that’s speech.
George Faller [00:12:06]:
I mean, I remember a girl I dated was like, no way. Are you serious? Get out of town. No way. It’s like I couldn’t get out of that chair fast enough. Right. It was just something about the way she spoke. And like everything was. And I was like, oh, okay, let me get out of here.
Laurie Watson [00:12:24]:
Too much energy. Oh, yeah.
George Faller [00:12:27]:
You know, and it was like, I’m just ordering a steak. No way. A steak. You lost there. I was like, what the heck’s going on here? So.
Laurie Watson [00:12:37]:
Good story.
George Faller [00:12:38]:
I’m sure my New York accent could be annoying speech for somebody somewhere. Right. So it’s just, who knows? This is all people’s own kind of unique traits, how they come together.
Laurie Watson [00:12:48]:
That was your ick, though.
George Faller [00:12:50]:
That was just annoying speech. Yeah.
Laurie Watson [00:12:52]:
Okay.
George Faller [00:12:53]:
Physical appearance.
George Faller [00:12:56]:
This is interesting. This is 15% for men. A little bit more for men than it is for women. I would have thought this would have been the higher one. But yeah, I think you more than. Do you have a certain body type, and the person is very opposite of that body type, you know, that I would think would be really high for, you know, your boobs are not big enough or your noses. I mean, listen, a lot of men can be judgmental and like, physical appearance is a big part of the turn on. Right.
George Faller [00:13:24]:
They’re very visual. So physical appearance, if it’s not what you’re wanting, can be a bit of a turnoff. But I am shocked that the number is really very low. Only 15%. So again, that’s a good sign that these icks are less physiological orientated than they are more that behavioral or personality stuff, which is. And I think we can change.
Laurie Watson [00:13:46]:
Yeah. So you’re saying it’s less like it might be things that we can control.
George Faller [00:13:52]:
Yep. Yeah. Too masculine is another one.
Laurie Watson [00:13:57]:
She spits her gum in the trash like a guy. That’s the example.
George Faller [00:14:02]:
Some men might like that. But you know, for whatever reason, a big percentage of men say, hey, listen, you know, when you’re. You can beat me in an arm wrestle. That’s, that’s, you know, that, that could be a tough one.
Laurie Watson [00:14:15]:
Oh, man.
George Faller [00:14:18]:
On social media, I think is another common one. You know, somebody’s always. This is both sex, but always on your phone, not present. Right. You know, he’s always wanting to be someone else. You can’t just to be in the present moment, you know, he’s taking those pictures with the duck lips. I never understood that. I see those lips and I’m like, what the hell is that about? How is the whole world doing this thing?
George Faller [00:14:42]:
So that would be an extra again.
Laurie Watson [00:14:43]:
G. Make that sound again.
Laurie Watson [00:14:47]:
We’re gonna put that on a reel for sure.
George Faller [00:14:51]:
Talking about girls, best friends, vanity. I think that could go both ways. But interesting list, Interesting list.
Laurie Watson [00:15:02]:
Do you have any personal icks? Let’s see. It’s the annoying speech for sure.
George Faller [00:15:07]:
That was one.
Laurie Watson [00:15:08]:
Yeah, mine actually. Annoying speech too, you know. Well, embarrassing public embarrassment. That was.
Laurie Watson [00:15:18]:
Like, I really like that. My husband fits in with people and he’s kind and he listens and he’s not embarrassing.
George Faller [00:15:26]:
He could seamlessly just weave his way right into conversations, make people feel at ease.
Laurie Watson [00:15:31]:
Yeah, he does. He’s really good at that. That’s very attractive. Let’s come back and talk about the ich factor a little bit more. What we can do about it.
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Laurie Watson [00:18:46]:
So what do we do if we get the ick?
George Faller [00:18:48]:
Right? That’s the real question. Is this something that’s incompatible? That means you shouldn’t be with this person, it’s just a turn off that you’re not going to overcome, or it’s just a mere sensitivity, you know, something that in the big scheme of things isn’t that big of a deal and you could do some work to, to overcome that.
Laurie Watson [00:19:05]:
Right? Yeah, I. I have seen this a lot. I think that in couples that are dating or in a person that’s dating somebody and then gets the ick, you know, it’s really about their anxiety about getting close, you know, and suddenly their mind just hyper focuses on one aspect that is repulsive about their partner so that they can kind of have an excuse to break that closeness, that intensity and, and get out of the relationship.
George Faller [00:19:36]:
Yeah, that’s. Wow. I mean, that’s. That always blows my brain as a therapist, the somatic experience and of kind of how our fears can manifest themselves. And it’s not even conscious. Right. It’s like, I see people get sick all of a sudden where they don’t want to have like, you know, their body gets revolted because they don’t want to get close. And this stuff isn’t conscious, it’s just, you know, operating underneath the surface.
George Faller [00:19:59]:
This is where being able to get curious about your reaction instead of just listening to it and running away. Like, what is that revulsion about? Lean into it. It’s offering you some wisdom.
Laurie Watson [00:20:11]:
It does, but sometimes the wisdom is not about the other, it’s about yourself.
George Faller [00:20:16]:
Yeah, exactly.
Laurie Watson [00:20:17]:
Right. There’s. There’s something going on inside you that you need to listen to.
Laurie Watson [00:20:23]:
I had a friend who, she did not like feet particularly. You had to have really beautiful feet. And we were on a double date and we were sort of in the woods with this guy and I guess I was with somebody. Anyway, he said, I’m thinking I’ll put my feet in the creek. And I was like, oh, don’t do it. Because I knew as soon as he took his shoes off, you know, she was gonna. There was gonna be something wrong with his feet. Just had to be because she was already kind of on the line with him.
Laurie Watson [00:20:59]:
And I’m.
George Faller [00:21:00]:
Little did she know he was a foot model who just got a mannequin.
Laurie Watson [00:21:03]:
I know, right? Yeah. No, that tanked it.
George Faller [00:21:11]:
Well, that’s what I. Again, I always assumed these icks are so physiologically driven. And they just. But it’s fascinating to see some of this research that’s saying that’s really not the case in the majority of the X. Yeah. Right. But in that one, you know, what do you do?
Laurie Watson [00:21:28]:
Yeah.
George Faller [00:21:29]:
Exposure therapy. She just has to look at feet all day and have feet touch her. And, you know, how do you overcome that? Yeah, Suck some toes.
George Faller [00:21:39]:
That foot fungus you gotta rub into you or something.
Laurie Watson [00:21:42]:
Oh, George. And you’re just making us all get ick.
Laurie Watson [00:21:48]:
Yeah, maybe. So you have to know yourself. You know, is it really about this anxiety that I’m starting to feel and that’s why I’ve focused on this thing, or is it something that is a genuine characteristic of this person? I just.
George Faller [00:22:07]:
I had a similar experience. Wife got really icked out. Her husband grew a beard. And it wasn’t like she just didn’t like the beard. It was. It was. She. I was having such a strong reaction, and he was like, doubling down.
George Faller [00:22:21]:
Like, I don’t care if you don’t like it. I like it. I’m gonna. Like. So they were kind of at a deadlock, and we just got curious and it turned out she had a history where she was molested by an uncle who had a beard.
Laurie Watson [00:22:35]:
Oh, my gracious.
George Faller [00:22:36]:
There’s sometimes deeper reasons. Yeah, people’s reaction. Right. As therapists, we always get curious. Like, we all have preferences, but when that preference turns into this, you know, 10 on a Richter scale, like, what is that about? It’s usually something from the past that’s influencing that. Right. But when the husband found out about that, what do you think he did?
Laurie Watson [00:22:58]:
God willing, he shaved it.
George Faller [00:23:00]:
He shaved his beard. Right. And what a beautiful way of supporting his wife and kind of understanding her strong response. And.
Laurie Watson [00:23:09]:
That’S. That’s a good story. I was going to really hate this story if he doubled down again.
George Faller [00:23:16]:
He grew it longer.
Laurie Watson [00:23:17]:
He grew it longer.
George Faller [00:23:20]:
But I think what we’re. What I’m taking out of this article is there’s. There’s more room to talk about this, to explore it.
Laurie Watson [00:23:29]:
Right.
George Faller [00:23:29]:
Our big theme here is communication. Like, instead of trying to keep these icks to yourself, which wind up creating distance and more. More defensiveness. Like, how do you communicate that? Maybe try to do in a way that protects your partner, but you’re not protecting your partner by hiding your ex.
Laurie Watson [00:23:47]:
Oh, really? I don’t know about that. George.
George Faller [00:23:53]:
What are you thinking?
Laurie Watson [00:23:55]:
Well, like, if you’re saying this thing icks me out about you, that’s completely unchangeable. I mean, isn’t that, like, patently and, you know, rejecting.
George Faller [00:24:06]:
Well, that’s what this guy’s saying is. So these icks are very changeable. Like, if it’s mostly personality, it’s mostly behaviors. Like, if you have a tick that likes to kind of get up and sing karaoke in a way that embarrasses, you know, your partner, maybe you just sing in, you know, your own house, and you don’t do it in the bar setting. I mean, we could change some of these behaviors.
Laurie Watson [00:24:28]:
Yeah, he also talks about that. You know, maybe it’s some sort of narcissism. You know, narcissism. Narcissists often are looking kind of for perfection. And so seeing something that’s a little off, maybe they’re more subject to feeling the ick factor and rejecting their partner. That would make some sense to me, too.
Laurie Watson [00:24:55]:
Men or women, right. Like, the. The part that has to have the perfect look or, you know, I mean.
George Faller [00:25:04]:
We see that so much, right? Where one partner is so into how they look and working out and healthy, and, you know, they’re like a temple of beauty, and. And their partners doesn’t look the same way. And then here comes the ick. Here comes the pressure. Here comes.
George Faller [00:25:22]:
Right. Which is really.
George Faller [00:25:24]:
Hard.
Laurie Watson [00:25:26]:
Really hard.
George Faller [00:25:28]:
But what can a couple do with that? If they can’t communicate, it’s still a failure to repair. Right. They have an issue where they’re having an impasse. They’re not on the same page. Couples have a lot of success if they can talk about it. If you can’t talk about it, you can’t put it on the table. You’re not going to get any resolution.
Laurie Watson [00:25:45]:
I guess you’re right about that.
George Faller [00:25:47]:
I mean, I hear a lot of couples that I might say something if I’m seeing an individual and they’re like, you know what? I don’t even know how to say it. I mean, she just has such bad breath in the morning, and she wants to, you know, kiss me, and she wants to cuddle up, and it’s. It’s really hard. It’s really hard to want to do that. And, you know, every time he. This guy was forcing himself to do that, it was making it harder the next day to want to do it Right. And he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, which is a loving thing to do, but, like, training himself to kiss where he doesn’t want to kiss was heading him in a wrong direction.
Laurie Watson [00:26:20]:
Yeah, that would be a. Hey, baby, let’s go brush our teeth. Come back to bed, take 30 seconds. Right.
George Faller [00:26:27]:
And all of a sudden that does what? It fixes that problem. Right. He did it in delicate way. He’s like, I love kissing you, you know, but I’m worried my breath is, you know, not good. And then I can’t fully let myself do it. So how about we both brush our teeth? Right. So he talked about himself, but how to do it. All of a sudden he’s like, oh, that was the best kiss I’ve had in months.
Laurie Watson [00:26:48]:
Yeah, that’s certainly. Some of these things could be easily changed. But I love his sensitivity.
George Faller [00:26:54]:
Yeah, well, he got some coaching. That’s right. I think it’s. It’s good to have a sounding board. Right. Where you could find. You know, sometimes we just get tunnel vision. It feels like we don’t have any options.
George Faller [00:27:08]:
But if you talk to someone else, you start to discover there are different ways of getting to the same place.
Laurie Watson [00:27:13]:
Yeah, exactly.
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George Faller [00:28:07]:
So what about your ex? I’m trying to think about.
Laurie Watson [00:28:10]:
Do you know my icks already?
George Faller [00:28:12]:
No, you said voice.
Laurie Watson [00:28:18]:
I. I think just one of my icks would be behaviorally treating somebody who is lesser than them with disrespect or without respect. Like a waitress or like not tipping the waitress or the clerk in line, you know, and, and somehow or another being rude to them. That to me, you know, it’s like, look at this person’s doing the best job they can. It just. That kind of disrespect would really turn me off, I think.
George Faller [00:28:48]:
Yeah. Yeah. I guess that would be similar for me. It’s when somebody’s indifferent to the people around them and kind of kiss up to somebody else, and it’s like, oh, yeah, you know that that kind of behavior makes me not want to engage.
Laurie Watson [00:29:05]:
Like when they kiss up to you or they kiss up to.
Laurie Watson [00:29:10]:
You. Don’t like that much when people kiss up to you. I don’t think.
George Faller [00:29:14]:
I do fully believe all our time is equal and God’s given us a certain amount of time and it’s precious. And it’s all to say has the same value. When we start seeing someone’s time is so much more valuable than the other, I think we lose our value balance. So I think it’s great that people are famous and they might be brilliant and you might be attracted and want to be around that. But, you know.
George Faller [00:29:41]:
To show that to one person and the other person, like, don’t even. And I always hated a cocktail party. I like sitting back and watching people right when you see somebody talking, but they’re looking over that person’s shoulder, who else they want to really talk to. And it’s just superficial talk and it’s. You know, they’re really not even listening to anything. It’s just this politeness to move on to someone else. And I’m like, that’s kind of sad.
Laurie Watson [00:30:04]:
Yeah, that’s kind of icky. I would agree. Would not be somebody that I’d be drawn to.
George Faller [00:30:12]:
Well, I do think icks are personal. There’s no right or wrong if you’re got your ick. I think what we’re inviting you to do is to be curious. We’re actually more hopeful, I think, in reading this than I originally thought about it. I thought it would be much more of an entrenchable kind of thing. But it seems like some of the research is saying, no, this stuff can be changed as long as you can start talking about it. So good news, people.
Laurie Watson [00:30:37]:
Good news. Okay. Get over your ex.
George Faller [00:30:42]:
Get over your ex. We hope Lori feels better. Thank you for persevering.
Laurie Watson [00:30:47]:
Thank you for listening.
George Faller [00:30:49]:
Communicate those icks.
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Call in your questions to the foreplay question. Voicemail. Dial 833-MY-4PLAY. That’s 833-MY-THE- NUMBER-PLE PLAY. And we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor. This podcast is copyrighted by foreplay media.
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