Does introducing sexual novelty spice things up or turn things sour? Join us today for a conversation on how and when to introduce bringing something new into the bedroom? Research suggests that novelty in long-term relationships is key to keeping them alive but in the sexual relationship it has the potential to create a rift.
George and Laurie breakdown the best way to structure this conversation to increase chances of successful communication, how one partner’s gas pedal may trigger another partner’s brake and how to apply the caregiving cycle if the situation gets a bit tense. If you’ve been thinking about how to approach adding some spice to your bedroom routine, you’re not going to want to miss this episode. Tag us on instagram with your fails and nails conversations on this topic. We’d love to know what works and what didn’t, all to help you ‘keep it hot y’all!’
Transcript
George (00:23.316)
Spicing things up or making it worse, Laurie? Let’s talk about introducing novelty into the relationship.
Laurie Watson, PhD (00:30.606)
Okay I know this is a topic that some people are excited about and other people are afraid of so let’s see how it goes. Let her rip!
George (00:41.844)
Let it rip.
Laurie Watson, PhD (00:45.698)
You know, one of the things I think is really important that I’ve recently read in the research is truly that novelty is important to keep the sexual cycle strong. And it doesn’t have to be novelty in terms of something that you’re uncomfortable with. It could be just keeping things fresh, both adventures that the two of you have together, emotionally. It could be, you know, traveling. It could be doing something different on a
date night, even those types of novelty, create neural pathways in our brains that release dopamine, which connects us to our partner. So novelty in general is important to keep sexuality alive, but we’re talking today about sexual novelty.
George (01:40.25)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I think we all have our own different need for novelty. Typically in partners we see one person needs a little bit more than the other and okay, that discrepancy is just par for the course. But when we talk about novelty, what we’re talking about, like that Laurie’s expanding the frame. Like it’s introducing something new. It could be a new position, a new…
adventure, a new location, it could be introducing pornography, could be introducing drugs or a gummy or some wine or a book, a novel, a toy. There’s so many different ways of introducing something though. And I think that’s really what you’re trying to get couples to talk about, what they like about that, what’s the gas pedal to that, what’s the draw to that.
And what could be the break? What could be the turnoff for that? And so often what we see as therapists is one of each, right? One person’s gas pedal. I want pornography. I like the visual stimulation is the other person’s break. they just never can have a conversation around that. So that’s all you want to talk about how to do that.
Laurie Watson, PhD (02:43.86)
Exactly. And, and we want to do it safely, right, so that people don’t get threatened by what they’re talking about. Maybe there’s some parameter around it. You know, we’re talking ideas, we’re talking fantasies, we’re not making decisions today. We’re not saying we’re going to do this. But, and I would say, you know, a lot of people have fantasies about things that they would never do. You know, they don’t want to do they would see it as destructive. But it’s still an arousal.
Laurie Watson, PhD (03:20.326)
To me, I think that’s fine. I don’t think there should be a policing of our thoughts. And I don’t think that you have to share your inner world with your partner. I think sometimes it increases connection and it is a pathway to novelty, right? Even talking about exciting ideas is exciting to our bodies.
George (03:44.372)
Well, it’s getting you intentional. It’s starting to chase. We talked about that in a different podcast. If you can find something to chase, something you want, something that engages you, it’s going to get those sexual kind of engine running. If you’re always just reactive or receptive and don’t think about it until that moment, you know, it’s, it’s harder to get it. It’s going to feel more to the body like work because you don’t have that chasing element. So that is why I think novelty is such a traction to so many people. It revs the engines up for them.
Laurie Watson, PhD (04:13.696)
Exactly. And I would just say a gender difference that I’ve noticed with my clients is that men want more change and novelty than it seems like women do. But I don’t think it’s because women are adverse to ideas about it. I think there’s something about the woman’s body is kind of needs a familiar pathway to get aroused. She’s found her way.
when they grow up and they masturbate as little girls, they usually masturbate in one position. Whereas I think boys, their body is more reliable in terms of getting around. they masturbate in the shower, they masturbate in bed, they masturbate standing up, you know, I mean, they just have a body that works better in different positions. And women maybe don’t, they know what they need. And once they get that familiar path that works, they kind of want to stick with that. So
So I, you but you can do lots of things in bed and end the way that works best for you for orgasm, right? You can, you know, foreplay and the fun before. You could do a whole lot of things and then just end in a familiar pattern that works and that’s fine.
George (05:31.592)
Well.
following up on what you’re saying, thinking about a lot of sexual female pursuers, somehow they keep that sexual energy, they are the ones that usually develop an interest in novelty, right? They are the ones, you all the sexual pursuers I work with, they’re the ones that are saying, hey, let’s try this, how about read this book? How about like, there’s this constant want to expand themselves sexually. And that’s exactly what we’re saying. That’s the beauty of novelty. We’re not denying it could be a cost, right? There’s definitely breaks to
this too. But I think we want to start off with a couple. if a couple was coming into my office.
This is part of the best sex talk. I’d be all right. Let’s, let’s take this topic of novelty. Let’s have a constructive conversation. We’re not deciding anything. We’re not saying anything’s right or wrong. We just want to understand, you know, how you two, what are some of the gas pedals here of things that would turn you on? You know, so we might say if we’re doing Joey and Maria, we’d be like, and we do this differently, Lori and I, I would be like, just give me a score and I want to attend just to see how important this is to you. want to get a snapshot of what it is. High, low. It doesn’t make a difference. The scores.
etched in stone, it’s just giving us information. Is this novelty an important thing? A turn on is an important thing, is a break, because this is what’s going to get in the way of couples having success in these conversations. So for gas pedals, I might be saying, right, do you like introducing toys, a vibrator, lubricants, a swing? Is there something about bringing in external stuff that your body kind of likes? Or maybe you like bringing in
George (07:06.574)
some substances to alter the mood. You like a glass of wine, you like taking a gummy, there’s something about bringing in that that also spices it up. For other people, it might be kink or some kind of, you know, switching roles, dominatrix, who’s being submissive. There’s something about the roles and the fantasy part Laurie was talking about. Other people, it’s got to be porn or erotica or some kind of visual thing, doing some kind of strip tease, something that’s going to
just not jump into bed and get getting going. Other partners think about multiple beginning extra partners is something that’s kind of spice things up. So again, we’re not here to judge. We’re just saying what is it that might be a gas pedal for you?
Laurie Watson, PhD (07:51.278)
Right. And we’re basically inviting people to share about their inner secret garden or their inner erotic fantasies, right? And we want to set it in a scene that is open, safe, not judgmental. I mean, I think that it’s very hard, especially if you have a relationship that you’re threatened already to probably do this.
a secure relationship where, you know, people are not afraid to hear what is inside their partner. And I think that it really takes a developmental ability to stay centered. If your partner says something is exciting that you’re like, that doesn’t sound exciting to me or that feels threatening or
Laurie Watson, PhD (08:57.166)
If you know your partner is going to be threatened, just listeners, if you know your partner is going to be threatened by you wanting to talk about something again, let’s say anal sex. I’ve told you, I had a buddy who talked about anal sex all the time. I knew his wife was never going to do it. It was crazy to bring it up because it basically set her against him and set her against all of sex. And she was a very sexual person, very open sexual person, but it was like a
George (08:57.554)
Exactly.
Laurie Watson, PhD (09:27.15)
power struggle, but he kept pushing and pushing and pushing. And it was like, this would not be the topic to bring up in this conversation. Like something that you know is going to shut your partner down. I mean, maybe go a little further.
George (09:38.941)
It is.
It is super important to stay on mission. The mission is if Joey is going to share his turn-ons, know, what is the stuff that spices it up? Maria’s goal is to put a caregiving hat on and keep the focus on Joey. It’s not about her stuff. We’re going to get to her stuff, but we need to know what we’re up against. Why does Joey like novelty? Like we got to actually give him the microphone to put words to that experience. And it just because some of those things that turn
and him will trigger Maria. That’s really not the time for Maria to talk about that. She’s got to just put that aside. We’re going to get to that. We promise. We got to know Joey’s gas pedals.
and then Maria’s gas pedals. We got to know Joey’s brakes and Maria’s brakes. So whoever’s sharing, they’re the one letting us into their emotional and sexual systems. The other partner’s job in that moment is just to give the space, try to be as curious as possible. Of course you’re going to get triggered. Just try to pull that trigger. We’re going to get that out a couple of minutes later, but right now it’s a chance to know your partner.
Laurie Watson, PhD (10:43.148)
You know, one of the things my husband and I did in triggering conversations when we were young marrieds is we would talk about James and Lynette.
You know, we have these friends, James and Lynette, they were a made up couple, and James feels this way, wants this, and Lynette feels this way and wants that. And we would like almost take it outside of ourselves and talk about some friends who were exploring an idea or thinking about something. And that kept things kind of safer for us. I don’t know how you can do this, but I would say.
You know, this is not a one-time conversation. You know, we can’t pressure it. It’s like if you’re going out for coffee and you think you’re gonna get to both of your sexual fantasies and reactions to the other one’s sexual fantasy, not gonna happen. So I think what George is saying…
one person gets to go first and the other person is going to stay neutral, just curious. They’re going to give that person the stage. Pretend that you’re listening to somebody maybe that is not your partner. Just like, how would you, I listen to people all day long, right? And I don’t get triggered by them because this is their fantasy. You know, it’s, and I’m helping their partner, you know, just sort of take it in. Like this is, this is just something that’s exciting. We can’t, we can’t even sometimes, I think,
George (12:11.77)
It is so likely to happen that when Joey shares his gas pedal, it is likely to trigger Maria’s break. If Maria decides in that moment to share her break, she’s going to shut down Joey’s gas pedal.
both of them are gonna be triggered, neither one of them are gonna get care given and that is then gonna be a negative cycle. That’s really all a negative cycle is, is two people in distress, neither one of them getting the help that they need, right? So like that’s likely to happen in this conversation unless you provide yourself with some structure that says everything that happens is important. We’re just getting more intentional about the timing of when we’re addressing what and at what time.
George (13:51.078)
and there’s a lot of different ways of showing up sexually. And for some people, if that’s working for them, you know, we want to honor that. I think I would want to add to that. I think a lot of those partners that you’re talking about, the breaks are actually more than that.
Right? The breaks for them in this situation is my partner is thinking about somebody else. It feels like a competing attachment. They need a gummy to be high because they don’t really want to be with me. It usually triggers these emotional feelings of rejection, being disposable, being replaced, not being into like these are big, big triggers for people. I think there’s a really good reason why a lot of partners don’t really want to engage around novelty. It’s like, I know what works.
because like I feel we’re present with each other and it feels like introducing something new is because you’re not happy with what we have. It hits the failure button or the rejection button. So we need to give them space to put words to that, right? They’re not settled. They need to be grounded in that place.
Laurie Watson, PhD (14:51.574)
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I think you’re right that there’s definitely a block inside that stops a person, a sexual withdraw, not always female, but often from allowing their own mind to think about, you know, a sexual fantasy, like, I mean, I think there’s many, many blocks that stop that. But one of the major ones is, you know, I have a whole life that I’m managing out here. And I
have time to think about that or I wasn’t raised to think about that that you know that’s just the guy’s job or I mean maybe I need to speak to this because I’m the sister you know who can say like
Most of the time when I sit with a woman and I sit with a lot of girlfriends too who would say the same thing like I don’t think about sex. But very carefully over time what I learn is they actually do have thoughts. They do have thoughts. They’ve never explored them. Maybe they don’t want to share them. Maybe they feel as unfeminine to direct sex. Like that’s not my role. I don’t see that. So I don’t want to really share
those things or they have shared them and it’s been rejected, shut down or maybe they think, you know, my thoughts are my fantasies are not something that my partner really wants to invest in. Like I really do have this big romantic fantasy and you don’t want to spend any money on the bedroom. my gosh, please spend the money. Or he doesn’t want to turn the heat up, you know, because he doesn’t want to spend the money. Yeah, I mean, there are and she’s like, I’m not going to get naked, you know, and do a striptease.
when it’s cold, you know, and our bedroom’s cold. I just think my sense is very gentle, like waiting.
George (17:28.34)
Yeah, this is, it’s hard sometimes not to come across as judgmental. mean, whatever the field, you gotta expand the field if you wanna get better and better at it. Whatever the profession, whatever it that you’re doing, know, great artists, great athletes, like they keep wanting to introduce more, to know more, to kinda get it better. You know, sex is no different from that.
So I think there are plenty of securely attached, receptive sexual people out there who might not need the same novelty maybe as their partner, but we all need some form of novelty to continue growing. yeah, I mean, we have blocks that are for really good reasons and these breaks to me become more of a problem around novelty than even the gas pedals are. And it could go both ways. I remember working with a partner.
you know, where the male, the female want to introduce a vibrate and the male got all threatened by it. It’s like, do mean? penis isn’t working. I mean, I’m failing. So, you know, there there’s an opposite. He was the sexual pursuer, but he still got his brakes triggered by introducing of something new.
Laurie Watson, PhD (18:34.67)
I’ve seen that so often. It’s so curious to me when a male sexual pursuer feels threatened by a vibrator. I think many times they don’t know what a vibrator means. They think of it as a dildo. It’s going to be a bigger penis than I am and that’s how she’s going to use it. Whereas most women use vibrators on their clitoris. It’s for clitoral stimulation. It has nothing to do usually with vaginal stimulation. So I think he’s afraid. Like you said, he’ll be replaced and it’s really like, no, this
George (18:45.522)
Mm-hmm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (19:04.664)
This is his helper.
George (19:07.464)
Yeah. So we got a couple of minutes. want to do a nail in a fail. Laurie is Joey and Maria. I want to give you my score, my gas pedal. I wanted to hit your break is Maria. We’re going to fight over it. And then we’re to do take two where I’m going to talk about it. And you’re just going to give me the space to be curious. And then we’re going to switch roles. I really want audience to listen to some structure to see how that will give you a better chance of success. Yeah. All right.
So yeah, Marie, think, you know, I do this is a big thing for me novelty. There’s just something about expecting and anticipating like we’re going to try this new thing. We got this new toy. I don’t know. just feel like a kid at Christmas. I’ll open up a present. It’s like, it just makes me excited. Like, you know, I think if we have that glass of wine and just we’re going to be a little bit more loose and we’re going to try some new moves. Like, yeah, I get excited about it.
George (20:12.264)
That’s the thing. I’m not like, you know, maybe we’re gonna, you know, we’re gonna try a different position or maybe we’ll throw on, you know, a movie, watch, you know, a couple getting kind of busy. I like part of he’s like, we should follow what they’re doing. Let’s try what they’re doing. Like, I don’t know. There’s something about the, the scene that’s fun.
George (20:39.604)
Again, this is, don’t know, that’s why I put on a movie. I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m saying whatever they do, maybe we’ll try to copy them and do what they do. know, they’re having sex against the wall and then they’re doing this and you know, they’re weird positions and it’s just, that’s interesting.
George (21:09.844)
Why are you getting so like, or I feel you’re like taking this personal? I’m just trying to share my excitement.
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:16.066)
Well, it is kind of personal. mean, we are talking about sex and us. And I don’t really understand why you’re talking about like, I don’t see what would be so exciting.
George (21:25.458)
I don’t understand why you’re so, I don’t understand why you’re so restricted to this stuff. Like you’re so like blocked. You just don’t even want to entertain it. Like your first instinct is to hesitate, be cautious, tell me what could be wrong with it. I mean, why can’t you just let loose?
George (21:54.42)
Somehow it always comes about you.
Laurie Watson, PhD (21:57.518)
Okay, that was definitely a fail. George, I could just feel myself like, man, that would have hurt my feelings so much. Yeah, of course. Right. Yeah. Like…
George (21:59.494)
All right, so how do we do it that way?
George (22:12.666)
It hurt my feelings too, right? I mean, this is what happens. This is the set up for a cycle. If the couples don’t know the mission, they don’t know what they’re expected to do, they just do what they do all the time. And this is why they don’t want to have these conversations. This trains us not to. Like we got to put some boundaries up in this conversation. says, what is the mission? Like, let’s say the mission is, Lori wants to share her, Maria wants to share her gas pedals for really good reason. I mean, her brakes.
That’s right now she’s in her breaks, right? Like my job, if that’s the mission is I got to not talk her out of it or take it personal. Like I got to give her caregiving. got to say, let me, let me be curious about your breaks.
Laurie Watson, PhD (22:51.99)
Yeah. And I will say, you know, I know that Joey was hurt. You know, like my tone of voice was deliberate to like, I was shorter sentences, like flatter voice. And I could just see me squashing that joy and the playful boyish kind of fun. I mean, yeah.
I think that if that happens, right, if I were the couple, would call it quits. I would say, I don’t think we’re ready for this conversation because I would not want to push forward in a conversation that is already triggering my partner. would say, look, I think we need more structure around this before we’re really safe to have this. I would not go forward.
George (23:39.678)
Exactly. That’s even a success for you to name that. So if Joey don’t feel crazy, say, I’m sorry, I couldn’t give you my caregiving. Like it was too triggering for me. Right. And we just got to figure out how to do that because I want to give you that. I want to be able to get excited as you get excited. I don’t have to always want to introduce my stuff that has to pop the balloon for you. Right. That’s what the mission is a gas pedal. So we want to get excited with the person who’s excited. Doesn’t mean we’re going to do it. It just means we want to know that side of our partner.
Laurie Watson, PhD (23:59.522)
Right, exactly.
George (24:08.21)
And we want to know the side of the other partner who’s having a simultaneous break. That’s also important. So let’s just do a quick example of that. Let’s do you with the
Laurie Watson, PhD (24:13.612)
That’s both. Okay, let’s do a nail. we want to do me with the break. Okay, go.
George (24:22.014)
So you’re sharing your break and now my caregiving is to focus on you.
Laurie Watson, PhD (24:23.776)
Okay, okay, so I think what I saw was you getting your eyes open and excited about what this other couple was doing. And I don’t know, it just felt weird, like…
Like you’re excited about something else other than my body, our experience. It’s not just my body, it’s us. And it was like, I could almost kind of envision your face watching them. And it was like this real, it just turned me off.
George (25:03.814)
sound good? Can you tell me more about that?
George (25:19.764)
Hmm.
Laurie Watson, PhD (25:54.4)
watching you with them but I couldn’t join in. So I was like an observer and then I couldn’t get excited.
George (26:00.872)
Thank you, yeah. Well that makes a lot more sense now, because I didn’t see that at all. mean, that must suck. No wonder why you start to get turned off if you start feeling like I’m going somewhere else. I’m not into you. You’re left out. That word really struck me, kind of left out, because I have a different experience. I think I’m more present for you. I think we’re more connected, but you’re having a total opposite experience that we’re more disconnected. Wow, I did not know that.
feel bad you felt you feel that way.
George (26:42.152)
Beautiful. All right. So again, a little bit of more structure and Joey Maria have a little bit more success. They both have good reasons for their gas pedals and brakes. And if they both could know what those are, they could have more compromise and figure things out. But if they’re both going to fight simultaneously around this, nothing good’s going to happen.
Laurie Watson, PhD (27:00.482)
We got to do a one minute nail. We promise that. Okay. That was not that was a nailing of her of him being with her in her break. We want to do a one minute nail where she’s with him and his excitement. Okay, go again. Go it again. Go again. Say it say something about
George (27:04.104)
That was it.
George (27:10.398)
Yeah.
George (27:15.732)
Same thing, but now’s the nail.
So yeah, I get really excited about, you know, just the idea of, I don’t know, throwing on a movie or kind of doing something different, a new position.
Laurie Watson, PhD (27:33.122)
Yeah, I can see that. you, I mean, even as you’re talking about it, right? I see your face, you’re excited, you must be imagining something fun.
George (27:46.004)
Yeah, I feel like it’s, I get more energy and then you could feed off of my energy and you get more energy and together the two of us are like doing something fun and just, we don’t know what’s gonna happen. That’s what’s, you know, it’s not the same old same old. It’s like, this, not knowing, I think that’s the most fun part about like, what’s gonna happen next? I have no idea.
Laurie Watson, PhD (28:37.7)
I think that, yeah.
George (28:37.822)
feels good that you’re, I’m appreciating your focus on me. You’re wanting to know what it is about me that gets me excited, which is very different than making it about your hesitations.
Laurie Watson, PhD (28:47.81)
Yeah, and it’s, I have found a way to engage in the excitement that doesn’t mean I’ve yet bought into the thing that is exciting. It’s just about my partner’s excitement. Yeah.
George (29:02.204)
super important to end on that. Just because you’re focusing on your partner doesn’t mean you’re giving permission for what they’re saying. It just says you want to get to know where they’re coming from. We need to make an informed decision. We need to have the best information and this is how we gather that information.
George (29:20.978)
Keep it hot, y’all.
